Lately, I’ve observed a pattern in modern family dynamics: parenting tends to fall into two dysfunctional categories—either extreme leniency or an overemphasis on friendship and trust. This polarisation appears to hinder parents from maintaining the balanced, authoritative approach necessary for healthy child development.

The busy, materialistic ambition of parents has led them to forget that they are the adults and guides in this relationship, not merely their child’s friend, resulting in a misinterpretation of ‘friendly’ parenting.

My recent experience with two well-educated families on the same day highlights the serious consequences of this imbalance. In one case, the parent created a highly permissive environment, considering the child too ‘cute’ to enforce rules, assuming the child would ‘figure it out’ as they grew older. But the parents are now frustrated because the child does not understand important social and cultural norms, such as respect and gratitude.

Interestingly, the second case revealed a different aspect of parenting. It involved passionate yet carefree parenting, characterised by showing off and a pride in the child’s intelligence. Ironically, this attitude fostered a manipulative nature in the child, ultimately leading to severe gaming addiction.

In both cases, the parents’ admiration for their children during their formative years overshadowed two key parental duties: instilling essential social and cultural values and, most importantly, maintaining consistent supervision and boundaries at home.

What surprised me was how parents responded to these crises. They seemed confident that therapy would solve the problems, allowing them to return to their comfort zone as emotionally distant parents.

The parents were eager to externalise the problem, seeing disrespect and addictive behaviours as the child’s pathological issues that needed a therapist. However, they failed to realise that these behaviours were just symptoms of their own parental shortcomings, which were reinforced by an absent, boundary-less household.

Speaking with both parents, it was clear that there was very little parent-child interaction. The parents were physically and economically present in their child’s life, yet they lacked the authoritative and emotional presence that, at a minimum, requires guidance, teaching, listening, and setting boundaries.

They offered the child awe and admiration, which are crucial to child development, but the child also needs clear ethical, cultural, and social instruction. They need boundaries and consistent guidance and supervision, and some limitations, especially on gadgets and tools.

It was also evident that the parents were not discussing their parenting style, and their views were not aligned. Recently, an incident prompted both parents to seek therapy for their child after a public event turned shameful due to the child’s behaviour. This situation appeared to challenge both the child’s image and parenting in front of others.

Although the parents’ expectations appeared normal, they conveyed a sense of helplessness, prompting me to set a clear boundary. Their requests suggested that I serve as a ‘shadow parent’ or a disciplinary enforcer, which I had to decline on professional ethics grounds. Doing so would have reinforced their denial, implying a hired expert replaces parental presence. The real solution was for the parents to recognise their mistakes and be brave enough to change.

I refused to become the enforcer and told them that the children’s behaviours were symptomatic expressions of the security that only a parent can provide. Ultimately, my refusal prompted the parents to assume responsibility and take on the role of caring for their child.

The long, monotonous cycle of resistance was broken, and the parents finally reached an understanding that it’s crucial for them to change first if they want their child to change. The insight was heavy for the parents; the guilt could be read, but the wall was finally down; now both of us were able to speak the same language, and the real work of therapy could begin.

I observed that the parents lacked the vocabulary to address defiance, often remaining passive observers rather than the ‘creative architects’ their child needed. Children do not need a perfect, manufactured parent; they simply want someone who is emotionally present, providing safety without judgment. Being authentic and embracing flaws allows us to form genuine connections that can be more meaningful than any artificial perfection.

Driving home, I reflected on my journey of letting go of the ‘perfect parent’ image to become a ‘good enough’ mother. I chose to be authentic, acknowledging my flaws rather than striving for an ideal image. I deliberately silenced my perfectionist side and focused on building a secure bond with my child. I remained true to myself and flexible, prioritising love and care.

I spent years finding the balance, occasionally swinging between suffocating closeness and freezing distance, yet I always remained present. I stayed true to myself, embracing my character and imperfections, rather than hiding behind the mask of a perfect professional. By being my authentic self rather than just ‘Mom’, we built a connection far more secure than any scripted parenting could offer.

Parenting is not without its challenges. As the child grows, parents must evolve—adapting, learning to give in, stop chasing after perfection, and accept unmet expectations. The gap between generations widens, bringing changes in values, ideals, and dreams. Amidst this complexity, being a parent means observing, waiting, and witnessing how far and high your child can soar. If they return after their journey, you are fortunate.