The great Indian magician Modi has called our three stooges who run the show in this land of ours. It’s not unusual for foreign leaders to call our netas but it seems that Oli, Prachanda and Deuba (OPD) seem to be in the top contact list of our chimekis.

Did Modi call Trump and then Hillary and even Bernie Sanders last year? I guess not, but this is Nepal where our top leaders do matter because it is easier for our chimekis to play them against each other as they don’t stick to their words at all. And of course, Bernie didn’t make it to the finals and Hillary lost even if she won the popular vote. Modi could have won a few brownie points if he had also called Rabindra Mishra as well. But of course Mishra wants to be our AAP while Modi is so far the Baap of Desi politics for now.

But our OPD is a different story. All three of our buffoons won from their constituencies. Oli is a superman in Jhapa.  He could have marketed himself as a mini-Mandela but most of us know him as a man of wisecracks who gives our real comedian a run for their money. Yes, the man did spend 14 years in our ‘Panchyati’ prisons then. But we still don’t understand why our politicians who spent many years in rotten jails and were tortured by our police wallahs do not want to reform our police service and the prison system as well.

Deuba is a Maharaja from Dadeldhura. He never loses elections from there because most of the folks from his region who are in government service owe their jobs to Deuba. And he is also known as the great distributor who will distribute cash, gift hampers, luxury vehicles and anything that can help him to stay in power. This time, his party has crashed miserably and it will take a while to get the mojo back. And, our Maharani lost even though she bought a house to show that she was not just another tourist. But that’s politics. 

And our Emperor finally won from the place where he grew up, went to school and started his magic tricks.  He tells us that he will be around for a decade and that’s about it. Prachanda is a great magician and is now also known as a great mathematician as well. But the man is also great flip-flopper and he can change his colours faster than a chameleon. He wants to be the party chief and even our Prime Monster again and maybe a decade later if he sticks to his words of calling it quits from active politics, he hopes to be our President as well.

Nothing gets done in this land without our top chors agreeing to share the loot. Our politicians have quotas for everything—from lucrative transfers, promotions and appointment of our judges, ambassadors and thulo mancheys at government commissions. Yes, our buffoons practice the ‘sharing is caring’ mantra amongst themselves but when it comes to the common folks and the country, they just act like we really don’t exist.

Oli will soon be our Prime Monster, Prachanda wants to be the party chairperson of the ‘new’ commie company while Deuba just wants to hang in there for a few more weeks and make a few extra Rupees while our politicians disagree with each other regarding the Upper House natak. 

Our ‘Lefties’ want to go for the majority system that will help them to have fun in the Upper House as well, while the government wants the President to pass the ordinance to elect folks in the Upper House through the single transferrable voting system. And the funny thing is that even our Election Commission (EC) wallahs have no idea what to do. Yes, our President is in a dilemma. Everybody is trying to figure out what to do next.

Our Constitution tells us that we need an Upper House first and then we can finally throw a party for Oli and his entourage. And when our politicians disagree, they need the help of our chimeki to settle their affairs. Yes, our chor netas only listen to the Desi bhais and Chinese friends. They don’t listen to our experts because our experts follow the party line and are biased against those on the other side. Yes, our chimekis have been running the ‘real’ show in this land and we, the common folks are just spectators and our chor netas are just clowns. Maybe Modi can help our netas. After all the Desis have been helping out since the days when our Shree Tins left the building.

Modi has invited our ‘captain’ of the ship, Oli to visit India. Oli has also invited Modi to visit Nepal. I think the great Indian chai wallah has lost the goodwill he earned when he first visited Nepal back then. We have forgotten the blockade already because we are Nepalis, we seem to forget and forget easily unlike the Desis who are still mad at the British.

Yes, our own brothers and sisters blocked the borders and it may have been a ‘political’ game but we all know that if Modi had just called our Madhesi netas then they would have backed off in a go. They wouldn’t even need a call, a simple SMS would have resolved the ‘blockade’ natak.

Oli tells Modi that his government will work towards providing stability, making our democracy stronger and practicing good governance and making sure that our country finally witnesses economic prosperity. You really don’t need to tell the Desi PM what you want to do in our own land. And instead of only inviting Modi, invite Xi as well and let us host a ‘NIC’ summit instead.

- Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at [email protected]