When you are on the cusp of a decision, it feels like the entire world is working in tandem to send you messages about it. Some may present themselves to persuade you, while some work towards dissuading you. Or, it could be the work of an overactive imagination that is being stimulated due to the inner workings of a mind measuring whether to do or not to do something. It doesn’t matter what that decision is, but oftentimes, when it has to do with the heart, and if you are very young, all this makes you very confused both within and without.

For example, the protagonist of this story, Anurag, is a prime example of this phenomenon. Anurag is a 17-year-old boy in the first year of his A Levels. He is a decent kid, average looking, if a bit lean, with a haircut that could be shaped better. He’s nice to his few friends and ambivalent to most others in his grade and outside. He’s the sort of guy who will smile at you if your eyes meet while walking down the street, but won’t go out of his way to make small talk if you were sitting next to him at a bus station. The boy’s entire world revolves around his favourite football team, Arsenal, whatever rapper has caught his fancy, and anime, especially ‘HunterXHunter’.

However, right now Anurag has something else on his mind. Right now, he is walking back from school to his mother’s office, deep in thought. Something has happened. What? The boy with simple taste and a not-too-peculiar outlook on life has felt a prick in his heart. How? A girl, obviously.

Her name is Anamika. She is a classmate. Though it has been around 3 months since Anurag’s A Levels started, today was the first day that he noticed, truly noticed her. How, and why? Well, he was walking back from the principal’s office, with his head down low and a bit sleepy, when he bumped into Anamika, who had been carrying some sheets for the assistant principal. Yes, quite cliche, but that’s what happened. He felt an expletive rise from within his lungs but as he turned his face upward and saw the girl’s face, especially her eyes, which were teary, something changed.

The expletive fell back down his throat and instead another word rose: sorry. Sorry, he said, and helped to gather her sheets. He held half and walked with her to the Assistant Principal’s office despite her saying he was forgiven and he didn’t have to. He waited outside for her as she did her duty, and asked her if she needed to go to the infirmary, and after she said no, it’s okay, waited until she started limping to insist. He laughed as she laughed and helped her to the infirmary, stayed there with her, was checked at alongside her, and as such, lost a couple hours just spending time with her.

Following this exchange, he felt completely changed as well. He felt a heaviness in his heart that wasn’t quite sore but instead a centring sensation, like how the feet grounded the body. It was a strange way of describing how he felt, but this was what he said to his closest friend, Anta, who told him, “Dude, you might have a crush on her.”

“I don’t know,” Anurag said. “I’ve had crushes before, but never like this.” Anta simply nodded. It was all strange for her, and Anurag too.

Somehow, he kept running into Anamika. It was funny. She hadn’t even existed in the periphery of his existence the past 3 months, but now she was all he saw. He walked into school, and she was there. In the distance, but there. They weren’t in the same class, but when he passed her section to go towards his, whenever he turned he saw her, sitting or standing, but always there. And of course, during breaks, they’d inadvertently run into each other, whether alone or with friends.

Conversations came and went like the wind. It was a hi or a hello at first. Then asking about how the other felt. Then an awkward goodbye. This gradually shifted to talks about similar interests. Gossips the other had heard or not heard yet. Dreams and aspirations. An outwardly spreading web built on previous conversations started to weave out of their momentary meetings until a daily lunch-time conversation became commonplace. Naturally, friends started teasing, strangers started staring, and even between each other, there was definitely a temperature that was the furthest thing from cold.

This brings us back to the present. As stated before, Anurag is walking back from school, to his mother’s office. Not wanting to take the bus because he wanted a walk, the boy now finds himself deep in thought. He wanted to ask her out. He wanted to ask Anamika to be his girlfriend. A monumental decision for someone at 17. You’re not really serious when you’re 17 but every decision you make, or want to make, seems titanic.

That’s the frame of mind Anurag currently finds himself in. A logical person would weigh their options. Would think about the pros and cons. Or even go with their gut. Anurag being, well, 17, didn’t, or perhaps, couldn’t, do any of that. Instead, he looks towards the sky, which seems to spell out her name. This sways him to make one decision. But then, he sees a leaf being ripped apart from a tree by the velocity of a passing motorbike, which sways him to make another decision.

He sees everything so deeply because he doesn’t yet have a well of experience to pull from. Instead, the world is his advisor and, the world being too busy and all-encompassing, is doing a pretty bad job at advising.

In this way, Anurag finally finds himself at his mother’s office. An INGO. He walks through the gates, greeting the security guards, passes the reception, waving towards the receptionists, and climbs the stairs to the top floor, where his mother’s room is right in front of the stairway door. He knocks, waits for her to yell “come in,” and walks inside. His mother, naturally, is surprised, but not too much. She knows her son enough. “No bus today, eh?”

“Yeah.”

Anurag places his bag on the chair perpendicular to her desk and walks out. He makes his way to the roof. This is why he likes coming here. He likes high places, and this is the highest in this area. His eyes scan the buildings, trees, roads, and people underneath him and feel insignificant. He knows what he wants to do. He does. But he is scared to.

His body leans towards the edge, and if not for the railing, he might step right off, falling to the ground. He knows this, and that’s why he walks so loosely, carelessly. Perhaps that is a sign too. Maybe he feels this way and is drawn to ask Anamika out because he knows he won’t get hurt. She will say yes. Won’t she? Trust yourself, he thinks. Whispers. Prays. Trust yourself.

Anurag slips his hand into his pocket and pulls his phone out. He takes a deep breath. He looks to the sky. Yeah, her name is still there. He texts her. He asks her a question that seemed impossible just a minute ago. He slides his phone inside his pocket again. He feels the evening breeze passing through his body. His phone buzzes. He holds his breath and reaches for it. Oh, wow.