Trauma bonding is a complex psychological phenomenon prevalent in abusive or traumatic relationships, characterised by the intensity and dysfunctionality that arises between the victim and the perpetrator. Rooted in power dynamics, manipulation, and fear, trauma bonding thrives in cycles of abuse. Despite the suffering, breaking free becomes a daunting challenge.

In this interview with the Post, clinical psychologist Rampukar Sah talks about trauma bonding and how to identify and break free from it. Sah has more than five years of experience working in the therapeutic field and is the chief executive director at Subha Mangal Group, a psychological treatment clinic. He also serves as a part-time consultant at Metro Kathmandu Hospital and the child and adolescent psychiatry department of Kanti Children’s Hospital.

What is trauma bonding, and how is it different from other bonds and relationships?

Trauma bonding is a complex psychological phenomenon in abusive or traumatic relationships. It is characterised by an intense and dysfunctional attachment between the victim and the perpetrator.

Trauma bonding typically occurs in abusive relationships where one person exerts power and control over another through manipulation, coercion, threats, or violence. It is reinforced by a cycle of abuse, which includes periods of intense abuse or trauma, followed by intermittent episodes of kindness, love, or affection from the abuser. This creates a pattern of hope, as the victim may believe the abuser will change or that the positive moments outweigh the negative ones.

It often involves cognitive dissonance, where the victim may rationalise or justify the abusive behaviour, blaming themselves or believing they deserve the mistreatment. The abuser also creates a strong sense of dependency—isolating the victim from friends, family, or resources. The victim’s self-esteem, autonomy, and support systems are gradually eroded.

In some cases, the bond serves as a survival strategy, allowing the victim to maintain a connection with the abuser and avoid further harm.

What are some common indicators of the phenomenon?

Recognising signs or indicators of trauma bonding in a relationship can be crucial in identifying the dynamics of abuse. The most common is the individual displaying an intense attachment or preoccupation with the abusive partner. Fear and dependency are other indicators. The victim may have an intense fear, anxiety, or dependency on the abuser.

Another indicator is that the relationship follows a cycle of abuse, where periods of intense mistreatment or violence are followed by periods of affection. The individual experiences intense emotional highs and lows within the relationship. The person may have diminished self-esteem, believing they are unworthy of love. The abuser’s intermittent acts of kindness become a source of validation for them.

Despite the abuse, the victim finds it extremely difficult to leave the relationship. They may make some attempts but ultimately return to the abuser.

Can it ever lead to a healthy relationship?

While it is possible for individuals in a trauma bond to develop strong feelings of attachment and even confuse those feelings with love, it is not based on healthy love or the foundations of a healthy relationship. The bond is formed within the context of an abuse, where manipulation, and fear play significant roles.

It is unlikely for a trauma bond to transform into genuine love and lead to a healthy relationship without significant changes in the dynamics and behaviours of both individuals involved. For a relationship to be healthy, it should be based on mutual respect, trust, open communication, and equality. These qualities are generally absent in trauma bonds.

However, it is possible for individuals who have experienced trauma bonding to heal, grow, and eventually establish healthy relationships in the future. With proper support, therapy, and self-reflection, individuals can develop a deeper understanding of healthy relationship dynamics, build self-esteem, establish boundaries, and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.

Recovery from trauma bonding often involves breaking free from the abusive relationship, seeking professional help, and engaging in a healing process that addresses the effects of the trauma.

What strategies or approaches can help break free from a trauma bond?

Breaking free from a trauma bond can be challenging, but it is possible with the right strategies and support. The first step is recognising and acknowledging that the relationship is abusive and that a trauma bond has formed. Understanding what a healthy relationship looks like will help you identify red flags and make healthier choices in the future.

If you can, reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support organisations specialising in domestic violence or trauma recovery. Share your experiences with people who can provide emotional support, validation, and practical assistance.

You should also develop a plan to protect yourself after you leave the relationship, including identifying safe places to stay, securing necessary documents, and establishing a network of people who can help during the transition.

Be patient and kind to yourself throughout the healing process. Recognise that breaking free from a trauma bond takes time and effort. Breaking free is a journey that may involve ups and downs. Stay committed to your healing through it all.

Consider seeking therapy or counselling from professionals experienced in trauma recovery. They can provide guidance, tools, and techniques to help you heal from the trauma and develop healthier relationship patterns.