EmptinessAs a kid, if there was one thing that I feared, it was this particular feeling of loneliness. The realisation that I am all alone and that I am extremely helpless
Lonely… Yes, that is what I am feeling. I feel it slithering like a snake right around my left chest, right under my skin, leaving behind the legacy of regret, contempt and frustration in the alleys of my veins and arteries that is hindering the otherwise smooth flow of the blood. If only you were to prick my skin slightly, the cold, sticky and jelly-like feeling of loneliness that smells like rotten semen would gush out in abundance, way faster than the blood. After all, that’s where it is supposed to be felt. Everything has its own time and place. One can’t expect to feel lonely in the belly! Like one can’t expect to feel the hunger pangs in one’s arms. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong.
Anyway, if loneliness had an odour, how would it smell like? Would it really smell like rotten semen? Actually, how does the rotten
semen smell like? I have no idea. Oh, I am hoarding assumptions
upon assumptions as if I were solving an arithmetic problem. As if my life depended on assumptions. Wait, my life does depend on assumptions. My life is actually revolving around the assumptions. As if my life was the planet earth and the assumption, the sun.
I have been assuming everything so far. I have never questioned any assumptions because I am scared. What? Scared? You see, I am assuming once again. If I didn’t assume, I would question everything and find the truth, if there is any, for myself. Is it another assumption? Yes, it is, but the difference is that, with this assumption, I can denude all other assumptions to its bare skin. I have the ability to questions, dissect, analyse. If so then, why should I take everything for granted? Why should I heed to everything I have been conditioned to? Why should I be so naive to get brain washed by all kinds of mass media and wrong information? Why can’t I stand alone and try to figure out things by myself?
Tonight, with every sip of whiskey and puff of cigarette, I am going to dive deep into the feeling called ‘loneliness’ and I will try to shatter all the assumptions regarding this feeling. And I hope by the end of the night, I will come face to face with the loneliness in its purest form devoid of all the cliches it is decorated with.
Yes, I am feeling lonely. And nothing is wrong.
Everything happened inside the vast cloud of mist. Everything happened mysteriously. I was a figure made up of morning mist and so was she. Though we couldn’t exactly figure out one another, we could definitely feel one another.
After our brief encounter at an Irish bar, we decided to merge into one another and become one giant figure of hazy mist.
We fell in love just like that. May be because other people around us were too bright for us like the burning star. And we were both afraid that their brightness might shatter our existence if we tried to merge with them. This mutual fear was one of the things that brought us together. We became one by turning our backs to everyone else around us. I became her escape and she became my escape. We were escaping our individual loneliness. The very foundation of our relationship was unreliable. Where was the love? We just acted like one another’s saviour. And the day came when we got tired of one another. It was too much of a drama. We can’t always wear our masks. We suffocate sometimes.
After countless drink together, after countless dances together, after countless kissing and love making, after countless dinner and lunch together, we slowly got tired of one another. There wasn’t any passion from the very beginning as we were simply fulfilling our own motives. Before, at least, the mists that we were contained few drops of morning dew and was little moist, but now, we became dry mist.
As I told you, everything happened inside the vast cloud of mist. Coming out of that hazy relationship, I am feeling kind of hazy loneliness that I have always felt once again. So, I have discovered something. Like they say, don’t go into relationship when you are lonely but only when you are ready. I wasn’t ready. I am not ready yet. Not yet…
The best part about my apartment is the balcony. I slept all summer in the balcony, watching stars and moon. I never get tired of my balcony. Just the thought of my cosy balcony gives me utmost joy and a strange sense of freedom. I always had this strange image in my mind of a small house with a big balcony, bigger than the house in volume. I don’t love the house, but its balcony. And this is not possible, so I have got to love the house as well. Sorry, I am talking nonsense once again. My mind just drifts off wherever it wants. It is the midnight madness that I often go through.
I swigged the last few sips of
whisky accompanied by last few puffs of cigarette. I am feeling much better now.
So, I am not feeling lonely because we broke up. Actually, I was feeling lonely prior to our meeting. In fact, the feeling of loneliness was there in me ever since I was a kid. I could feel it at its peak in the short interval after I took shower and before I wiped off my body with the towel. At that particular moment, I would suddenly feel so cut off from the entire universe. The colder the water, the lonelier I felt. I would feel like a dry autumn leaf blown about by the wind. I would suddenly feel helpless even though I was in the presence of my mother. I would feel like I was falling eternally into the dark bottomless well. My mother, who would be wiping my head and body with the big blue towel, would suddenly look like a stranger to me. What is happening? I would ask. My body would suddenly start to shiver like never before. I would try so hard to control my body so that my mom won’t notice it. It would take me a while to come in terms with the reality. I would slowly get familiar with my mom and towel and all the people and articles around me. The sense of familiarity will gradually dawn on me. Then I would know who I am.
It is the reason why I was always resistant about bathing. I would lie and complain that the water is cold. But my mother would heat up the water and make me take a bath at least once a week and the same feeling of loneliness would return and occupy my body and mind. As a kid, if there was one thing that I feared, it was this particular feeling of existential loneliness. The realisation that I am all alone and that I am extremely helpless.
My whisky is finished. My cigarette pack is empty. It is already 4 in the morning. My roommate is already waking up and getting ready to go to his work. I can see the darkness before the dawn outside my window. Today, once again, I couldn’t go deep into the feeling of loneliness like I said. Today, once again, I couldn’t unravel all the assumptions surrounding the feeling of loneliness. As usual, I couldn’t come to any conclusions. I lack that perseverance to go deep into any matter. I lack that patience.
It’s time to sleep now. I have to wake up at 7 and go to work. I can’t be late today. But it seems I will certainly be late. Not sleeping is better than mere three hour of sleep which would make me want to sleep even more. So I decide not to sleep. I go outside to my balcony and sit
down on the chair. I will watch the sunrise instead. The air is so pure and fresh at this hour. I heave a deep sigh of relief.
As I wait for the sunrise, I start dozing off. And, coming in and out of the sleep, I reach to this fragmented conclusion that the feeling that I have been feeling so far isn’t loneliness but emptiness.
I heave a deep sigh of relief once again, coming in and out of my sleep. I start drooling and groaning uncontrollably.
With every groan, I mutter,
Emptiness… Emptiness… Emptiness…