A few years ago, one of my female colleagues stated she feels left out in her husband’s home because no one consults her. Decisions are made without her and that’s it. She was the eldest child looking after her younger brother and helping her mom and dad to run errands. She enjoyed the responsibilities; she felt wanted and important.

I was not as lucky as my colleague who enjoyed responsibility in her maternal home. Being the youngest child, I felt left out. I know my husband, who is also the youngest, shares the same feelings. Decisions are made by others and we have no clue what the hell is happening. My husband and I were both leaders in our schools, and our friends value our opinions. At least it seems they do. We may or may not be raising our six-year-old daughter appropriately (it is nobody’s business), we both manage our careers effortlessly, but at our homes it is different. My husband consciously chooses not to give a damn, but it infuriates me.

I am writing this from a child’s perspective. I bet it will change when I become older but for now I am furious. As the youngest child I was sent to a hostel in the Indian hills and then went further away to continue my studies. In school, I had friends who I could trust and depend on. I felt  belonged because I was responsible for my actions and for my friends. I was a leader—I mattered.  At home, it was different. I had a difficult time adjusting the roles I played at home and in school. It was as if I had a split personality.

Despite the isolation, I am glad I had two elder sisters who made sure I felt belonged—belonged to our perfect imperfect family. They ensured that I knew all family decisions that were made without my knowledge. I do not remember an instance where I was kept in the dark, because somehow I felt they got pleasure out of the discomfort I showed by the truth or the lies told.

Nonetheless I am thankful. Thankful for the truth and the lies, and thankful because I knew the limits of my expectations. And although I felt less important compared to other siblings, the knowledge of simply knowing that I too am on the same page as everyone else gives me a lot of comfort—I feel I belong.

I guess this could also be the reason I hardly feel the need to consult my parents when I need to make decisions—big or small. I call them once in a while but I never discuss my issues with them. They have no clue what is going on in my life unless I choose to disclose it to them, and I have a feeling it is vice versa. Until a few days ago I felt guilty for shunning my parents when making important decisions about my life. But one of my friends mentioned that her in-laws expect their son, her husband, to share and inquire after them when they hardly discuss any matters with him. (The elder sibling is often sought after though.) That is when I realised, oh darn, I am in the same position! I no longer feel guilty.

I have a six-year-old girl who is a rebel in so many ways. My husband and I worry sometimes because she is an only child. But we often end up reinforcing our decision to not have another child simply because we do not want our daughter to share our love or lose out on the decision making power. Now, this sounds perfectly selfish in so many ways and most importantly we as parents are making an important decision without consulting our only child. But the fact that she will be the only child and that we will not have any choice but to seek her opinion somehow makes sense to me and my husband. But of course it should not make sense. 

Giri is business development manager at Samriddha Pahad