Defying the popular trend where the wife has to compromise her career after marriage to move in with her husband, the first place we chose to settle in right after marriage was Pokhara, where she was working. We are now in Kathmandu because it meets both our interests and our children’s too, we hope. In the course of our work, we have had to be away from home, for months sometimes, but that has never been a problem because one of us is there to look after the children and take care of the home.  

Breaking ground

The important thing is that this is not a portrayal of our individual lives alone but a tiny microcosm of the emerging generation of men and women who are challenging conventional male-centric power-dynamics in marriage. We have many of these inspirational couples within our own family and friends, and beyond, who practice a fairly unbiased division of labour where both spouses share the responsibilities of the ‘provider’ and the ‘caretaker’. We know of men who have readily invested money for their wives’ education to empower them. Such efforts are enabling couples to enjoy comparatively more balanced power and privileges in marriage.

Coming to the point: the relationship between a husband and wife, or a man and a woman, is not only about the ‘chemistry’ between the two—it is also about the straightforward ‘mathematics’ of marriage. A distinct analogy can be drawn with ‘set theory’ in mathematics, which says A equals B only when there is a ‘two-way inclusion’. Let us go a little further to explain this:  ‘A’ is a subset of ‘B’, is one-way inclusion. When ‘B’ is also a subset of ‘A’, it is two-way inclusion: and only in this condition is ‘A’ equal to ‘B’. To site an example, women’s engagement in ‘paid work’ (traditionally considered the man’s domain) is one-way inclusion. Men’s engagement in ‘unpaid work’ to fill the gap that arises as a result is two way inclusion. ‘Equality’ is when both these conditions are achieved simultaneously.  

Partners for progress

What is even more promising is that today’s couples are seeking equality not only as two separate individuals but as important ‘partners’, who support each other to fulfill their personal and professional goals. They are enjoying their individual spaces but are also meaningfully engaged in each other’s lives. This is definitely a significant achievement away from the traditional norm in families where the men’s world and the women’s world were so distinctly separated that there was no place for mutual involvement.

But things have changed for the better. A husband who wants to attain a higher degree does not have to worry as much about financial matters because the family has the wife’s income as an alternative source. Women are not only looking after their children and home but are also taking charge of economic and public responsibilities while their husbands are away working in foreign lands. Similarly, husbands are taking the turn to look after the children and household work when their wives are away from home—improving intimacy between the father and the children.  In the process, both husband and wife realise the value of each other’s contributions and also enjoy the benefits brought on by such an exchange of roles.

Yes, couples today have truly become the ‘two wheels’ of the proverbial chariot.

Closing the gap

But one important reality is that the speed with which women are entering the public world has not been met by a similar degree of men’s involvement in the private sphere; and it is essential to check this widening gap before it is too late. Because of the inadequate involvement of men in the private sphere, the issue of a ‘double burden’ for women is already a serious concern. Similarly, what is also true is that there may be men who are already working too hard to provide for the family and one cannot expect them to work as much at home.  

It is, therefore, important to strike a balance here. If you are willing to or able to hire paid help or help from families, this is one solution, but still, considering the current scenario, it is necessary for men to reduce the amount of time they spend outside to fill this gap and create an encouraging environment for women to go out and work too. A woman, a mother, who is active in the public sphere, is not about money alone, it is also about setting ground for a fair, progressive and happy society.

Coming back to where we started, marriages are about unconditional love and sacrifice, where husbands and wives are active ‘partners for progressi.  

Parajuli is associated with the Nepal Youth Foundation and Kattel is a lecturer of mathematics at Trichandra Multiple Campus