When one feels lonely, they tend to make themselves sadder by recalling the memories of the person who once was their favourite part of life.

Humans are strange, and I feel like I am the strangest among all. Whenever I feel lonely in life, my thoughts leap backwards to those days when I used to think we would be together forever. You were not my girlfriend, but I thought we had a deep bond. I never confessed my feelings as I feared that you would be upset. I was such a fool.

Sometimes I wonder if I had confessed my feelings for you, would this day have been different? Would you be by my side if I had revealed how much I loved you? I can’t help but marvel at the possibilities of our bonding. I wanted us to carry on the journey for a lifetime, but I didn’t know that you had someone other than me in your mind.

You shared everything with me, and the truth was that you were in love with someone. That ‘someone’ was my close friend from school. He was fond of playing video games, something that I never enjoyed.

On days when it rains, I imagine you sleeping by his side. If we had been together, we would go by the window to observe the rain forming puddles on the road below. Or we would have climbed the stairs to the terrace and got ourselves soaked in rain. I don’t know if your boyfriend has changed from his old days and stopped playing games on his PC.

Who knows, he might have turned into a romantic man capable of filling your life with happiness and laughter. I can only assume that is why you chose my friend over me. He was more confident around girls than I was. He would speak at length when given the chance to talk. He was good at conversing, irrespective of whether he liked them or not. I, on the other hand, was a reserved man and only talked to people I felt connected with.

Admit it or not, I can surely say you miss the time we spent together at the college terrace when you almost shed a tear recounting your love story. It was before my friend walked into your life. You had confided in me that your last boyfriend was harsh, but you still loved him. I felt sad for you, and I wished I could aid your pain. The only thing I could offer was assurance. “You don’t need to continue with him. You deserve the best,” I had said.

You had looked into my eyes and, at that moment, I felt that you loved me too. You told me about your ex-boyfriend—how you once discovered he had been dating multiple girls. “I don’t know why I can’t leave him though I know he is not fully committed to our relationship.”

“Everything will be fine,” I could only manage to say.

Should I have said that you should stop thinking about him and that I’m there for you? I regretted not uttering those brave lines that could have changed our lives. My friend must have promised you that he could make your life happier, so you believed him and chose to love him. It doesn’t matter anyway.

I remember you told me once that you loved your father but not your mother. I asked why, but you told me not to ask about her. One day when you invited me to your home for lunch, I noticed that the walls of your room were occupied with framed photographs of your father and brother. There were no photos of your mother except in the family frame. The reason you hated her remains a mystery that lingers in my mind.

You used to share such sensitive secrets with me, but we don’t even meet anymore. We do talk when we meet accidentally, and both know it’s just the way to cope with the awkwardness. What we had between us ended with us graduating from the university. You know I love exploring new places on foot instead of driving. One evening, I saw you in the backseat of your boyfriend’s lavish motorbike. Perhaps you were going on a date to a cosy restaurant or an expensive coffee shop.

I just said hello to both of you and moved on aimlessly with no destination. Once while you and I were waiting for the local bus that could take us to Birauta, you had asked, “Are you not passionate about motorcycles?” I said I liked walking, and you pursed your lips in a way that seemed to demean me. I never felt ashamed for not owning a bike. By the end of the college year, I was the only guy with no vehicle. My father constantly rebukes me for not driving. But then it doesn’t change me. I have my ways, and I know what’s best for me.

If we had been together, you would have to walk by my side, and I would take you to the river, forest, and parks instead of cafes. Would you have loved that? Maybe I would have scribbled a few lines for you and read them out loud when you felt tired after walking for hours. You would have leaned your head on my shoulder and admired my prose as we sat on the grassy patch until we got on our feet to continue our reckless journey. Life would have been different. If you had been with me, I would not have to walk alone and miss you.

I should speak the truth—I was jealous of my friend when I learned you were in a relationship with him. In the following days, I saw you posting photos of your date on Instagram. A few months ago, when I met you by chance at the overhead bridge in Srijana Chowk, you chatted with me more than usual, leaving me baffled and short of words. You said I was the only mutual friend between you and your boyfriend. I said I am happy for both of you. You looked so jovial when I teased, “I will get the marriage invitation from both ends.”

“You will,” you added.

When we were about to part ways, you said you wanted to invite me for lunch. “He will also come over,” you added, just when I was just about to accept your invitation. You caught my reluctance, and by looking at your face, I could guarantee that you felt I had been in love with you all the while.

When I didn’t pick up the phone a few weeks later, it must have assured you that I was jealous of my friend—your boyfriend. You will never be mine, and I will never love seeing you with someone, but the humanity within me will always pray for your happiness.