When I was in the third grade, our class teacher asked us what our ‘aim’ was. I didn’t know what it meant. I thought it must be one of those questions where we say “I aim to be honest.” After all that is what the moral values classes taught us.

When our teacher started citing examples, the word on the top of the list was, of course, ‘doctor’ followed by ‘engineer’, ‘pilot’, and ‘teacher’. Of course, everyone said they wanted to be one of the aforementioned words. The word ‘scientist’ had stuck to me, probably from some sci-fi show or movie on TV, and that is what I said. I aim to become a scientist. I loved that word.

I loved the word and I loved how they portrayed scientists on TV. Scientists were smart people who knew things that didn’t make sense to most people. Scientists were doers who did things that made them heroes of sorts.

Initially, my image of a scientist was confined to astronomists. These were the NASA people or the people that helped the lead protagonist defeat the aliens. Later, I realised scientists could also be zoologists, archeologists and many other types of ‘-ists’. I wanted to have a ‘something-ist’ as the title of my profession.

I’d go through encyclopedias, learn about astronomy, study the diagram of a plant, and read about different body parts, the Mayans and names of different countries, their capital and currency. I’d read anything in plain sight. I wanted to be one of those cool ‘know it all’ folks they showed on TV.

Our country was war-stricken at the time. I didn’t know about it all until things escalated to a climax in 2006 when the streets were drained of vehicles and filled with freedom fighters chanting for their rights. The news was filled with death tolls. Videos showing people standing against each other crowded the media.

At home, my mom tagged us as Maoists if we created trouble. To a young mind, it felt like we were being named after the devil. It felt like an accusation. The news never defied that logic. Maoists were ruthlessly killing people and the transgression continued for a decade.

They had their reasons and they probably wanted the best for the country too. But to a child who was being taught about the precepts of Buddhism and Mahatma Gandhi in Social Studies classes, their approach didn’t seem right. When Prachanda was sworn in as the first Republican Prime Minister of Nepal, I was not pleased. Abraham Lincoln’s quote “Democracy is of the people, by the people, for the people” had been deeply ingrained in my mind. Therefore, I kept mum. Adults across the nation knew what they were choosing I thought.

I was just an adolescent then. What would I know? What could I do? “You’ll study and become great leaders of our country someday. We need well educated leaders like you. Your country needs you,” said our teachers, all the time. That’s what we were told in school. That’s what we were told at home.

So I studied. I studied social studies, I studied English, Nepali, even Biology! These were fun. Then I got stuck at Math. What would a future leader do with algebra, geometry and arithmetic? I never liked these subjects. It didn’t come to me naturally. I’d stay up till 2 am solving my trigonometry problems simply to fail at understanding what the chapter was about. I hated math. I hated the hard work that had to be put in and the failure that followed. I hated the mediocrity. And what was all that for? My lack of interest in math soon affected my overall grades.

I’d go on to lag in the class rankings. And my mother would start blaming it on my habit of listening to the radio while studying. That’s when I started losing interest in studying. But I knew I wanted to be a leader. I’d hate to be an uneducated one though. So, I continued educating myself. I gave up on studying for the grades but I never stopped educating myself.

Few years of tolerance and I’d be free to do whatever I wanted. But something major had happened between these years. I had the opportunity of meeting real leaders and listening to their opinions.

As a teenager, I used to read a couple of leaders’ writings. Reading their blogs influenced me to internalise certain values and equip myself with certain skills.

At a rare occasion, when I met Anil Chitrakar, a social entrepreneur, I remember asking him “Why aren’t you a politician?” His answer was simple. “I don’t need to be a politician to bring change to my nation. I’m a leader in my field. Anyone can be a leader in their fields and make an impact. Not every politician can necessarily bring change. But leaders often do it with their work.” That’s when I realised the flaw in my understanding. My mind was filled with the wrong concoction of ideas of a leader and a politician. I had never really understood the difference between the two.

From the time I saw Prachanda being sworn in as the Prime Minister to the time I realized the difference, I was at the end of my twelfth grade. I had taken up biology in high school. Half of the class had their eyes set on becoming doctors. The other half was still weighing out their options. I was in the other half. I didn’t know what I would be doing. There was a lot of deliberation. But in the end I chose the most obvious yet the most enthralling of them all. I chose to become a doctor.

I was all set to join the Kathmandu University for Environment Science. I wanted to become a superhero for the nature and environment. But recalling how my grandmother died under avoidable circumstances made me rethink my choice. I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else. Being a doctor would make a direct impact on my society and perhaps the country too!

Almost after a decade, what I have realised about myself is I’ve always wanted to do something for my nation. Seeing the turmoil, the violence and the lack of accountability among our leaders made me frustrated. Perhaps, this frustration conceived a strong desire in me to truly serve my nation in whatever manner I could. Perhaps the only way I could do it was make use of what I have and turn it into a legitimate, well structured, and powerful medium to help people. And I’m happy I’ve found a way to do so.

I know I’m not the only one who aspires to make an impact with her work. People my age are already doing it! Some of them have their own startups, some have their YouTube channels, some are artists, and others are leaders in their own fields already!

To people who’ve found their calling and already making leaps and bounds in their field, congratulations! To the other half like me, who are keen and optimistic but haven’t made any major headway, we’ll get there soon. Perhaps what we want to do requires more time to prefect and master. So, hang in there!

Karki is a medical student at Jalalabad Ragib Rabeya Medical College, Bangladesh.