Children act like sponges, soaking up their surroundings and adapting to the world. While genetics influence their development, it’s undeniable that their environment shapes their emotional intelligence, social skills, and capacity to navigate life. This is where the concept of attachment—the connection between a child and their caregiver—comes into play. Early attachment patterns teach children how to form relationships, handle stress, and understand emotions.

Attachment is that deep, fundamental bond a child forms with their carer, often a parent, that will later shape how they interact with the world. Children with a secure attachment feel safe and loved, which helps them regulate their emotions, self-awareness, and confidence and manage stress as adults. It’s a foundation that helps children feel secure enough to explore the world, learn from their mistakes, and build meaningful relationships.

However, for children raised away from parents—those who spend their formative years in institutions like hostels from a very young age—the impact of attachment can be quite different, even though being around peers is crucial for children to cultivate a healthy social life. However, excessive exposure to this environment can reveal a different aspect of the issue, perhaps a different face of the same coin.

The hostel life may foster a sense of detachment towards one’s family in the long run. A child raised in an environment where caregivers come and go and emotional availability is inconsistent may struggle to develop a sense of emotional security. Over time, this emotional disconnect can lead to difficulties when attempting to return to a home environment, as it has never truly felt like a ‘home’ in the fullest sense.

What might happen when all you have are people your own age? You attempt to overcompensate to achieve that sense of belonging and connection with someone. Peer’s acceptance, approval, and the feeling of belonging with them become important. So much so that one might agree to questionable, risky, or even dangerous things for oneself or others.

Yes, the busy life and never-ending schedules make it reasonable for a parent to admit their children in hostels. However, learning theories and calculations can’t teach love, compassion, or empathy.

Children raised in this way might struggle to understand why they don’t feel like a priority over their parents’ financial, social, and professional responsibilities. The absence of emotional warmth can leave them questioning if they deserve love or if they constantly need to earn that love and attention. Such a cycle of being overly compliant may lead to developing a people-pleasing personality.

This emotional gap doesn’t just fade away. The absence of consistent, loving care, which helps build secure attachment, can result in several long-term issues. Attachment is not only an emotional connection, but at early ages, it also influences brain development. Secure attachment helps develop the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation. However, children who grow up in institutional settings, especially ones with inconsistent carers and emotional neglect, can struggle with forming healthy adult relationships. They may find it difficult to trust or rely on others as they grow older. They tend to form hyper-independence and find it difficult to ask for help even when struggling.

Research shows that children with insecure attachments have higher levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) during moments of distress. This heightened stress response can persist into adulthood, impacting their ability to manage life’s challenges, build lasting relationships, and maintain emotional stability. Such individuals are also at an increased risk of developing mental health issues during adolescence and later in life.

They may push away love or, conversely, may seek it desperately in unhealthy ways because that inconsistent, overwhelming, and emotional rollercoaster is the only form of love they have known.

As parents, our responsibilities don’t end when we send them to the best schools or provide for their material needs. It’s about being present, offering consistent love and acceptance, and helping them understand that no matter what, home is a place of emotional safety.