Not everything that shines is gold. And not everything familiar is safe.

When the human brain gets confused by the allure of the familiar, it often mistakes familiarity for comfort. The pain of feeling unwanted, longing for love, constantly fighting for affection, and being someone you are not becomes imprinted into you like the soul’s blueprint. And you go into adulthood seeking the pain that will ache you once more in a familiar way.

A child raised in a chaotic environment often finds themselves drawn to partners who recreate that familiar chaos. The adrenaline rush of uncertainty, though painful, feels like home. Or, a child who grew up with a narcissistic parent might seek out similar dynamics in adulthood, mistaking grandiosity for charm and manipulation for love.

When we view love through the distorted lens shaped by our childhood experiences, it becomes easier to keep falling for people who ultimately hurt us. One might find themselves repeatedly entering relationships that mirror the dysfunction they grew up with. What follows? A vague sense of guilt and shame, as if it’s their fault for continually trusting the wrong people. It might feel as though they are doomed to repeat these patterns because they are somehow unlovable, or maybe that is the kind of love they deserve.

When we grow up in a home where we never feel loved without a condition, a broken sense of self-worth often lingers around. When all you have known throughout childhood is slammed doors instead of warm hugs, the wounded inner child refuses to believe it deserves the calm, peaceful, and warm kind of love. And when chaos appears, disguising itself under the mask of familiarity, you open up again and love one more person who takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotional highs and lows.

This isn't about blaming our parents or our past circumstances and lamenting over them. It's about understanding how these experiences shape our present. It's about recognising that the heart can be stubborn, clinging to familiar pain because it's the only love language it knows. And it is about breaking free from these patterns through self-awareness.

Recognising the red flags and choosing the right path rather than the familiar jagged track is not just about discovering that one can have a healthy, stable relationship.

It's a journey of unlearning and rewiring the deep-rooted chaos within oneself. It is about forging the path to a fulfilling life that begins with the courage to rewrite one's own story.

To heal, we must first understand our wounds. Recognising red flags like manipulative behaviour, lack of respect, excessive control, and emotional or physical abuse can be the first step.

While these behaviours often hide behind the norm we formed as children and may appear normal or acceptable, they are certainly not, and they shall not be tolerated.

Once we know what we will not tolerate, we can make space for what we want and deserve. Understanding that you deserve respect, love, and stability is crucial in making healthier relationship choices.

Create a vision for the future and challenge your beliefs from the past. If you’ve grown up with the notion that love is chaotic or conditional, you might unconsciously seek out relationships that reflect these beliefs. But thoughts aren’t always facts.

Start by questioning the validity of your old beliefs and replace them with the vision of the kind of relationships and life you want to have.

Self-worth is often undermined by past experiences, but rebuilding it involves affirming our values and setting boundaries that protect our well-being. These boundaries will act like a sturdy fence around our hearts, protecting our inner peace.

It is not about shutting people out but about creating a space where one feels safe and valued. This could be as simple as communicating our needs clearly or saying no to situations that feel uncomfortable. And also understanding that you do not have to agree with everything to earn that love.

Heal yourself so that people who love you do not have to pay for something done by those who didn’t love you enough. Yes, it won’t be easy, and it will test your patience. So, give yourself the compassion and time that you need. During setbacks, remember to look back and see how far you have come along.

Remember, the chains of your past will try to hold you there forever, but they will crumble under the strength of your determination.

Manandhar is a mental health advocate. She also provides psychosocial counselling.