Have you ever developed an infatuation for someone? Did you feel like your emotions were out of control, have obsessive thoughts instead of butterflies, and keep looking for additional indications of mutual interest?

Aastha Lakhe, a psychological counsellor, explains the multifaceted nature of limerence and ways to deal with it.

What is limerence?

Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book ‘Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love’. It’s an intense emotional state characterised by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about a person and a strong desire for reciprocation of feelings. Limerence is marked by its involuntary and overwhelming nature, often involving intrusive thoughts and the idealisation of the object of affection.

How does it differ from infatuation and love?

Infatuation, often seen as a brief, intense, and sometimes irrational attraction to someone, usually focused on physical appearance or a few specific traits, is more superficial and fleeting than limerence. Love, particularly mature love, involves deeper emotional connection, mutual respect, and commitment. It is characterised by a balanced blend of affection, intimacy, and attachment, often involving a realistic understanding of the other person’s strengths and weaknesses.

How does limerence develop in an individual?

Limerence typically develops through a combination of psychological, social, and sometimes biological factors. It often starts with an initial strong attraction or a moment of intense connection. The individual then begins to idealise the person, focusing on perceived positive traits while ignoring or downplaying negative ones.

Over time, thoughts about the person become intrusive and obsessive, often interfering with their daily functioning. There is a growing emotional dependency on the person’s reciprocation of feelings, often leading to anxiety and emotional highs and lows based on the person’s responses.

What are the common emotional and physical symptoms of limerence?

Emotional symptoms of limerence include obsessive thinking about the person, known as the Limerent Object (LO), and experiencing mood swings based on interactions or perceptions of the LO. This can lead to anxiety and fear of rejection, along with euphoria when receiving positive signals from the LO.

Idealisation and fantasising about a future with the LO are also common. Physical symptoms often accompany these emotional responses, such as increased heart rate or palpitations when thinking about or seeing the LO, difficulty sleeping or changes in sleep patterns, and changes in appetite. Individuals may also experience physical agitation, restlessness, and psychosomatic symptoms like stomach aches or headaches linked to emotional stress.

Are there any specific personality traits or life experiences that make someone more susceptible to experiencing limerence?

Certain personality traits and life experiences may play a role in increasing susceptibility to limerence.

Individuals with high levels of neuroticism, low self-esteem, and a tendency towards fantasy and idealisation may be more prone to limerence. People who have a preoccupied or anxious attachment style are also at higher risk.

Past experiences of unfulfilled love, trauma, or abandonment can make an individual more vulnerable. A history of inconsistent or unresponsive caregiving in childhood may lead to a heightened need for relationship validation and reciprocation.

How can limerence impact an individual’s mental health and daily life?

Limerence may lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and stress. Limerence can interfere with work, studies, and social relationships due to the constant preoccupation with the LO. It may lead to social withdrawal or neglect of personal responsibilities and self-care.

How can friends and family support someone dealing with limerence?

Support from friends and family is crucial during this period. They can offer a non-judgmental ear, validate their feelings, and understand that their experience is intense and real. Friends and family can suggest they see a therapist as it can be beneficial, especially one experienced in cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) or other relevant modalities.

It is important to encourage activities that can divert their attention, such as hobbies, physical exercise, or social engagements. Lastly, it is crucial to help them set boundaries if their behaviour towards the LO becomes intrusive or unhealthy.

What long-term strategies can help prevent the recurrence of limerence?

Long-term psychotherapy can help individuals understand the root causes of their limerence and develop healthier attachment patterns. This includes encouraging self-reflection and mindfulness practices to recognise and manage obsessive thoughts.

In addition, building and maintaining healthy, balanced relationships based on mutual respect and realistic perceptions can help prevent the recurrence of limerence. Fostering a strong sense of self and personal interests outside of romantic relationships and learning and applying effective stress management techniques such as meditation, exercise, and proper sleep hygiene are crucial strategies for maintaining emotional well-being.