My older brother often told me that a girl becomes a woman when she realises how beautiful she is. I’d always answer that I’ll never be a woman to that statement. Flustered and annoyed, he’d go on long tirades about how pretty I was. But I knew the truth.

And I’m okay with it, honestly. There’s more to life than being pretty. There’s more to life than being considered a woman. A beautiful or ugly one. Just like he left for America to pursue writing, I found passion in Art, and that’s what I’ve decided to give my life to. This is why I’m so confused about what I’m doing at this riverside with many women and men, drinking beer and feeling the humid breeze of the river kissing my skin.

It’s all his fault. Ayush. He’s the guy over there, knee-deep in the water, splashing two freshmen and laughing. Their laughter sounds like canaries’. He sounds like the flutter of curtains when your mom wakes you up on the weekend.

He sees me. Waves. Then the wave turns into a motion beckoning me towards him. Towards the water. Towards those girls. No thanks. I’d rather just sit under this parasol and drink my beer. It tastes good. I’m not familiar with this brand.

I look around and see a lot of familiar faces. So, this is what an informal college function looks like? When Ayush had invited me, I thought he’d been joking. Sure, I’d helped him in class a few times, but I didn’t want him to feel like he had to invite me to a place like this. I miss my room.

Of the couple dozen people here, most are in pairs. Some boys, shirtless, are playing volleyball, while others are busy trying to get the barbeque going. There are sounds of laughter all around. It looks like a pointillist painting, to be quite honest. All of us are dots of colour, making a vibrant whole. I wish I could walk a few meters off and watch from afar. I want to paint it.

“What are you thinking about?” A fluttering voice from behind speaks.

“Oh, you’re back! I thought you were busy with your new girlfriends.”

“Ha-ha, I’m just having fun. Making friends,” his face wore a dumb smile that oozed innocence. He looked like a puppy, and his mannerisms were the same. Even right now, he’s shuffling around so he can find the most comfortable way to plop his butt down. “So, tell me. What were you thinking about?”

I reach behind me and pull out a beer. I pass it to him and take a swig of my own.

“I was just thinking how everything around us looks like a painting and how I wish I could walk a bit to the distance to get a nice look and even paint it.” There’s that dumb smile again.

“You are a true artist. I love how your brain works.” He knows how to make a girl blush.

He turns towards the crowd, too. We sit silently for a bit and just watch as young people be young people. I turn towards him, but no, those girls are back. “Stay here, I’ll be back.” And he’s off. It must be nice to be so in demand.

My brother tells me that I have a stone face. It is impossible to read any of my moods except annoyance. He calls it my resting, annoying face. On the other hand, he is a passionate, emotional person. I can close my eyes and picture scenes of him laughing like a maniac or crying like a mermaid. He told me once how he felt he stole all my emotions.

Well, now I guess I know he’s wrong. I feel emotions, and the one I’m feeling right now seems like barbwires all over my heart as I watch Ayush play in the water with those girls. I know this feeling, but I don’t want to speak its name. It’ll pass. Brother would cry then laugh in seconds. I can do the same.

Screw this. I get up and walk a bit further. I can’t paint right now, but I can at least take a deep look at the scene. Maybe I can draw this from memory later? It’d be good practice. My feet won’t stop moving, though. The prick in my heart keeps digging and digging. I’m so pathetic. They’re just playing. He’s just a boy. If only I were beautiful.

The last thought surprised me, but I heard horse-like running behind me before I could ponder it. I turn around and- “Why’d you go? I asked you to stay, ha-ha.” There’s that dumb smile again. I can’t look at him.

“You’re busy with your girlfriends, so…”

“You’re the jealous type, eh?”

“No, how dare you!” Before I can say anything further, he grabs my right hand and starts running.

“Come on, I’ll show you where the river bends,” my body naturally follows his stride, and soon we’re running in unison, like a couple of excited Labradors. His forehead sweat gleams under the midday sun. Brother Ayush is beautiful. Does that make him a woman? I start laughing.

Ayush looks behind me and smiles. “Oh, you’re laughing now? So, what they say about exercise making people feel better is true.”

“You’re such an idiot.”

After a few minutes, we’re finally at the river's bend. I got to give the boy this. He’s right. It looks beautiful.

“I love rivers because, did you know, they’re carving their path forward? I mean, not right now, but initially, they carved their path through the ground. They’re unstoppable like that. I wanna be like a river, too.”

His smile. His damn sincere smile. It was the first thing I noticed about him. It’s still the first thing about him I can see. Brother used to tell me not looking at people’s eyes is rude. I look up. Why does Ayush seem like he’s about to cry?

“I lied a bit. I didn’t bring you here just to show you the bend. I wanted to tell you something.”

The sound of the river seems so loud right now. The water is just pushing its way forward. Like it always does. “What? Are you trying to say you like me or something?” I fill the silence with a sarcastic reply. He looks down. Maybe that was mean of me to say. He looks up again with that damn smile. “You’re so smart.”

“Wait, what?”

“What, what? Yeah. I like you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“What? I do. Of course, I do.”

“You don’t! Stop joking.”

“No, I do. I can list countless reasons why.”

“Oh yeah? Do it!”

“Well, you’re beautiful and smart. I love the way your brows are always furrowed. I love how you look like you’re thinking about the most important things in the world. I love your directness-” This boy. He keeps going. Stop. My heart. It’s not pricking anymore, but what is this? It feels full.

“Stop, okay. Stop. I don’t believe you.”

“Oh hell,” he leans over and hugs me. His arms feel so strong around me. My hands are on his back. It’s big. Muscular. He moves away after what seems like an eternity. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that without asking you.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Well,” he puts a finger under my chin and pulls my face up. “Let me ask you this, can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

My mind goes blank. Suddenly I feel hot all over, and after his lips are off mine. I wish they weren’t. But after they are, I run and jump into the water. I’m so embarrassed.

“You’re so weird. I love it!” He chases after me and jumps too. We start splashing at each other. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. Probably not after my brother moved away.

When we finally return to where everyone else is, hand-in-hand, the two girls from earlier start probing Ayush about where he went. He looks at me, smiles, and grips my hand tighter. He looks back at them and says, “It was hot. We stayed in the water.”

Shakya is a writer based in Kathmandu.