I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my life to end so early. I have yet to do so many things. I haven’t even lived half of my life. I am still in my early twenties. I have too many dreams, too many responsibilities on my shoulder. I have classes to attend. I have a degree to get. I have parents to look after, grandparents that I need to care for, little cousins to spoil. How will my brother and cousins adapt to the home where I am not anymore? How will they understand that their sister will no more come home with treats? Who will take the blame for their mischief? How will my grandparents deal with the news of my demise? What if they collapse upon hearing the news? Who will remind grandpa to take his medication? What will happen to my puppy that wags his tail every time I reach home? How will he understand that I am no more?

These were the thoughts that were going through Prerana’s head as she watched the bus careen and head towards the cliff. Beyond the cliff was several hundred feet drop to a sea of green paddy fields. Surviving such a steep drop was highly unlikely. Prerana was at a juncture in life where she was about to get everything she had wanted. She was about to get her degree in medicine. Her dream and her parents’ dream of seeing her become a doctor was finally about to get fulfilled. She hadn’t imagined her death to come to her like this.

Ever since Prerana saw a photo of Kobang, a village in the outskirts of Kathmandu, on social media, she had wanted to go there. But what she wasn’t aware of when she decided to travel there was the terrible conditions of road. As the vehicle left the Capital, the road conditions worsened. It wasn’t even gravelled. The cliff where the bus was swerving and careening to wasn’t even six kilometres from the heart of the Capital. The road was muddy and there were uncountable puddles. It had rained for hours in the morning. Had she known about the condition of the road, she wouldn’t have decided to travel there on a rainy day. She hadn’t even told anybody about her plans to head there. Will anybody ever find her dead body, she wondered. When her family members realise that she is missing, will they search for her in Kobang, out of all the places, she thought. Prerana almost cried thinking of never being found by her loved ones. Just then she remembered that she had parked her scooter near a two storey building, which was just a few hundred metres from the cliff. The scooter would clue her parents as to where she had gone. She would be found and be reunited with those she loved, even after if it was just her dead body. The thought calmed her a bit. She wondered why she had to be so stubborn about going to the place. She could have just returned home when the scooter got stuck on the road instead of boarding an already crowded bus. She could have hung out with her friends. She could have spent the day under her warm blanket, sipping coffee and reading.

She had yet to tell the boy who made her heart race how much she loved him, how much he really meant to her. She had liked him for a very long time, but never had the courage to reveal her feelings. As the cries and panic spread in the bus, she regretted waiting for so long to share her feelings for him. She wished for a minute with him to tell him those three words. She should have expressed herself without fear. She should have told him how easy it was for her to fall in love with him—he who was with her in the darkest of days, he who was always there for her even when being there for her wasn’t easy, he who fought the world for her, he who made her feel wanted, he who never wanted her to hurt. She had yet to tell him how his broad shoulders always felt like home to her. How she loved falling asleep with her head on his shoulders. How she loved his smell. She wondered why she never got the courage to tell him all this. After her ugly breakup with her ex boyfriend, she never thought she’d fall in love again. She was scared, but then he came around and proved her wrong. He gave her the high she never thought she could get. He somehow completed her. He was everything she wanted. Being with him helped heal her wounds and gave her the courage to believe in love again. But there was a part of her that stopped her from telling him how she felt, a part that told her that it’s best to not expose herself, make herself vulnerable. But deep inside, she knew he was not going to hurt her like she had been before. So why was she scared of expressing herself? Why was she afraid of letting her heart out? She should have smashed the walls around her a long time ago. She should have let him in. She deserved to be happy. He deserved to be happy. She should have kissed him like there was no tomorrow, like he was the only one that mattered.

That one time when he was urging her to express her feelings, she had jokingly told him that there’s still a lot of time for such things. He had said that future is uncertain. She had smiled and let it slide. That seemed like ages ago. Now the heavens were playing a dirty game with her. She wanted him to know everything that was buried deep inside her, her fears and her secrets but she had no time. She would have taken him to those dark alleys inside her. All she lacked was time. The bus began to slide downhill in full speed. She could only see the grim reapers wielding scythe. What she needed was a miracle and she was hoping for it fervently.