When a parent migrates for work, they leave behind fragments of their presence, which, for a child, are never quite enough to make up a whole person.

As parents’ migration for work becomes more normalised in Nepali society, we might be underestimating its psychological cost, a complex understanding of presence and absence in the children’s minds.

Through FaceTime, voice memos, pictures, and videos, their parent’s embrace is known but never truly felt. As a result, they neither become fully connected nor entirely foreign, leading to a sense of ambiguity in their grief.

Sunika Joshi is a mental health professional specialising in trauma, neurodiversity, child and adolescent mental health, and suicide prevention. She is also the co-founder of Lighthouse Neural, a mental health organisation.

Here, she discusses the psychological impact of parental migration on children, how prolonged separation can shape attachment and relationships, and what families can do to protect children’s emotional well-being.

When one parent goes abroad for work, what happens inside a child’s mind in the first few months before the ‘new normal’ sets in?

The new normal depends on who is the caretaker, living arrangements, and sense of security/ safety where they live. Usually, children gradually adapt to new family dynamics.

Initially, children may experience grief-like responses such as sadness, confusion, anger, and somatic complaints like headaches, stomach pain, and sleep issues.

Younger children may show stress in the form of bedwetting, anger issues, and crying over minor issues that are not related to the absence. Adolescents may experience increased worry due to uncertainty, loneliness, and fear.

It can be termed as ambiguous loss, which is a profound sense of loss and sadness that is not death-related; the parent is physically absent but psychologically or emotionally present in some way.

But at the same time, adolescents can also feel a sense of pride if they see it as a sacrifice for the family’s financial security and remain hopeful that their lives will improve—economically and socially.

If the child is young, has the family member explained what migration is and how the living arrangement will change? Is anyone helping the child to make sense of the change? Does the child have access to communicate with the parent who migrated? Questions, as such, matter equally.

There could be many underlying vulnerabilities. If the child has the right support, they can feel hopeful about the future, but if the child is exposed to uncertainty due to debt or illegal ways to go abroad, the risk of being cheated and the family being stressed, the child can also sense the stress and show emotional and behavioral symptoms.

How does prolonged physical absence affect a child’s attachment style? Are these kids more anxious, more avoidant, or does it vary?

What happens during the absence of the parent determines the attachment style. They can be anxious and avoidant. Prolonged separation can increase the risk of both.

Anxious attachment means becoming hypervigilant, fearing abandonment, and worrying about parents’ return, safety, and relationship. Experience emotional vulnerability and loneliness. This attachment happens when caregivers are unable to consistently meet or respond to the young child’s emotional and physical needs. Later in life, they might struggle with anxiety in relationships, making them ‘clingy’ or jealous.

Avoidant attachment means to learn to suppress and avoid emotional conversations, spending time with family, or communicating their issues. Children may become self-reliant and push people away; don’t actively seek out their caregiver for comfort or emotional support. It results when a young child loses a sense of security in their environment. It can lead to suspicion, hostility, and lack of commitment in later relationships.

But these depend on the child’s temperament, the consistency of the substitute caregiver and how communication with the absent parent is handled.

But when caregiving is inconsistent, children are likely to show anxiety, depressive symptoms, and challenges in forming an emotional bond with friends and family.

Can a strong emotional bond survive almost entirely through video calls and voice notes? What gets lost that even daily calls can't replace?

No, physical presence is different than talking on a call. You see the nuances. It is like reading a summary of the book without reading the entire book.

Video calls and voice notes help maintain a sense of connection and can reduce separation anxiety compared to no contact, but cannot fully replace physical presence, especially for younger children.

The child is deprived of physical affection, which is crucial for co-regulation, feeling safe and secure, and forming an attachment to the parent. The child and parent also miss out on the minor, firsthand details of daily routines and what each other's days look like.

Non-verbal communication is largely missing, creating a gap in understanding underlying emotions and in developing attachment through non-verbal cues. And if certain things are not communicated through words or messages, they will be missed.

In the Nepali context, emotional bonds are formed by providing material support in the form of favourite food and gifts. Families do not communicate through words and talk about emotions. In Nepal, fathers, in particular, do not share vulnerability or emotions.

So, this can create a huge gap in building a strong emotional bond as a family. Families would only know about each other through events shared across the device. What gets lost is the bond, trust, and reliability you create through physical presence, making memories by being in the same space and engaging in activities like cooking and celebrating festivals together. Also, passing down the culture, values, knowledge, and the roots of the family/ethnicity/indigeneity.

Is there any age range where a parent’s absence particularly leaves lasting damage?

Yes, in young age and in adolescence.

Younger children, when they have not made sense of the separation and do not understand the change, can show withdrawal and aggression. Early childhood is the time when they learn and understand attachment, love, care, affection, and emotion regulation from their parents, and disruptions in this process can have emotional consequences. Adolescents also face an increasing risk of confusion, loneliness, worry, and uncertainty.

As humans, we are all resilient and can adjust to change, but how a child makes sense of a parent's absence largely depends on the caretaker and guardian, as well as the family's response, the community the child lives in, and the environment.

The connection with the parent can become superficial and may lead to issues with socio-emotional adjustment. A sense of security and trust can also change as the child grows. Psychological well-being declines if more socio-economic challenges arise after migration.

What’s one piece of practical advice you’d give the parent staying behind to protect a child’s emotional development?

Choose a safe and secure place to live and a caregiver. Assess the risk of abuse, assault, discrimination, and neglect from the people around.

Do not pressure the child to take responsibility for the missing parent.

Make sure they understand why the parent migrated; do not expose them to the news of death, accidents, injury, parent separation.

Create space for the child to express their feelings, be vulnerable and if they are showing emotional distress, understand that it can be a reaction to worry and distress.

Do not shut the children and ask them to understand everything.

Help the child to foster a bond with the migrant parent- help them maintain a healthy relationship and communicate.

Avoid putting the child in the middle of adult conflicts about money or return plans.

Seek help from schools, communicate about the change in a child's life.

How does a child’s sense of self develop when one parent exists through a device or a photo rather than a physical presence?

A risk of getting detached from their culture and community surrounds them.

If they are living with relatives, they do not feel a sense of belonging to a family or community. The child will also find it difficult to navigate their emotions toward the parents; they may appreciate the sacrifice and see them as a hero or savior, or they may see them as not being part of the family's struggles and challenges in person.

There might be too much pressure on them to study well, to live with whatever is provided, and not ask for more.

Children also feel pressure to appreciate and repay the sacrifices their parents have made for their future by being overly pressured to excel academically, be smart, and be very ambitious.

This might not provide the child with an area to explore their authentic self, experiment with hobbies and strengths, and make room for any mistake or failure. So living in constant fear and worry and living up to the family’s expectations.

A sense of safety can be hampered.

If the children are taking the role of caretaker and replacing the parent who migrated, girls tend to start taking care of siblings, cooking and cleaning- all household chores. Sons might feel the responsibility for the family’s safety and security. There may be a mutual understanding of sharing struggles and burdens.

Is there a psychological difference between a parent who is dead, divorced, or absent due to migration?

Yes, migration is a different kind of grief. It is an ambiguous loss. The parent is alive and connected through video calls or messages but not present physically. It comes with uncertainty about when they will return, whether they are ever coming back, and also fear of separation from parents, breaking the family apart, and the uncertainty can prolong distress.

Children can also live in emotional conflict- they can feel guilty for being angry at the parent who sacrificed for the family and confused about what to feel.

Death is an irreversible loss and also a socially recognised loss followed by rituals according to the religion they follow. Grieving is mostly getting to terms with the fact that it is permanent and making sense of the loss- physically and emotionally.

Divorce is often breaking off the family dynamics; even if parents are present physically, it also comes with arrangements of who the child lives with and coming to terms with living separately, but both parents are alive.

Do these children struggle more with trust and intimacy later in life, in friendships or romantic relationships?

Trust and intimacy in later life—yes, it can create difficulty in forming strong relationships, trust and feeling secure.

Lower emotional closeness and less contact with parents and family. Causes difficulty trusting others and forming intimate relationships in adulthood. It can also show up in the form of fear of abandonment, getting into unhealthy relationships, and risk of addiction, and not understanding how relationships should be.

Either giving too much or giving too little. Can get into abusive relationships and not be able to recognise it or get out of it. Not understanding the emotional needs of a partner, as well as feeling like not being understood.