Have you ever felt the need to do everything perfectly because you can't trust others to do it right? As a result, you end up being overburdened by heaps of tasks. And, when you do try to delegate, you find yourself constantly micromanaging and correcting every detail. Then, when things don’t go as planned or don’t turn out the way you imagined, you become your harshest critic.

Does this resonate with you? Let’s dive deep into what it is and what is causing it.

We’re all familiar with this tendency, and we often refer to it in our daily lives. Yes, it's the drive to make everything flawless—perfectionism. Perfectionism, in the context of mental health, is a personality trait characterised by people setting incredibly high standards for themselves and feeling they must be flawless in everything they do. It often comes hand in hand with being overly critical of our own efforts and feeling afraid of making mistakes. While striving to do our best can sometimes motivate us, perfectionism can quickly become overwhelming, leading to stress, anxiety, and the constant feeling that we’re never good enough.

Perfectionism is acceptable when a person is self-aware and occasionally takes steps to manage it. However, some push the limits of possibility, striving for perfection in everything they do, often breaking their own boundaries and disregarding the boundaries of others in the process.

Perfectionists are often heard telling those around them how things should be done, not realising that the need for perfection in every little thing often traces back to the expectations placed on them by their caregivers during childhood. Children who grow up receiving constant reminders to "get it right" tend to internalise this as a core aspect of their adult personality.

Take, for example, a childhood memory—when we were assigned to draw a self-portrait for homework. After proudly showing our finished artwork, the first comment we heard might have been, "Does your hair look like that? Maybe you can add more strokes." Such seemingly small remarks begin to shape our sense of what’s acceptable. A common practice today among parents or caregivers is doing their child’s homework or projects for them.

While this may seem like helping, on a deeper level, it often stems from the parent's desire to complete the task according to their own idea of perfection, unintentionally robbing the child of their sense of accomplishment.

Even if the outcome isn’t perfect, the child's efforts should be appreciated first, with feedback coming later. Otherwise, the child internalises the belief that “whatever I do is never enough,” leading to a fear of making mistakes. Likewise, caretakers' actions in childhood shape a child's mind to believe that achieving their parents' definition of perfection will bring appreciation. Each time the child strives to meet these high standards, often going beyond their developmental stage to attain it, they reinforce the idea that this is how things should work in the real world. They will continue searching for that validation, starting from parents to teachers, then peers, and later, from bosses and partners. In this way, their mindset becomes deeply ingrained, shaping their expectations and behaviours as they grow.

In this cycle, many need to realise that their work is perfect in its own way. Even with imperfections, the key is to stay in a space of self-appreciation, embracing every little flaw and seeing the beauty in their efforts.

A perfectionist frequently engages in self-talk that resembles a strict supervisor rather than a supportive friend. They act as their own supervisor, constantly giving themselves instructions, and if things don’t go as planned, they correct their actions repeatedly until they get it right. If they pause to reflect on the conversation they’ve had with themselves, they might realise how harsh and critical it often is.

When these inner voices are externalised, people may realise they would never speak to their loved ones with such severity. Once we recognise this, we must consciously replace those critical words with appreciation or simply affirm our actions with the same kindness we would offer others.

Over time, the pursuit of perfection becomes so deeply ingrained that many perfectionists fail to notice how it affects their personal and social lives. They are not only harsh with themselves but also with those around them. In a team setting, a perfectionist may micromanage everything their colleagues do, which can lead to conflict, or they might take on the entire task themselves, ultimately overwhelming themselves with responsibilities without even realising it.

Perfectionists often remain largely unaware of their emotions or rarely try to tap into their inner world. In their constant race to get everything right, they neglect their feelings. And when they do happen to confront them, they’ve often either accepted the overwhelming emotions as usual or outright denied their existence. To them, addressing these emotions would mean stepping away from the tasks they’re so intent on perfecting—and most of the time, they’re simply not ready for this acceptance.

When managing the extremities of perfectionism, we can't expect to change everything at once. The process begins by slowing down as change happens gradually, starting with awareness. Once people become conscious of their habits, they can transform that awareness into meaningful action. A simple yet powerful step toward this is seeking clarity from those around us—an outside perspective can be incredibly revealing, offering insight into patterns we may be too close to recognise ourselves. However, remaining open-minded and willing to accept these outside perspectives is crucial, as they can shed light on how our actions impact our well-being and relationships.

Ultimately, managing perfectionism comes down to finding a balance between striving for excellence and embracing our true selves. By shifting from relentless self-criticism to self-compassion, we enhance our well-being and welcome new experiences of getting to know ourselves better. Embracing imperfections is all about being a true friend to our authentic selves.

So, I leave this question to all the readers: “Do you want to remain your own harshest critic, or do you want to become best friends with yourself?

Moktan is a sychosocial counsellor working at Fheal, a counselling hub for healing.