Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about finding the balance between love and guidance. Some parents choose to be gentle and avoid saying ‘no’ to their children, hoping to protect their happiness. This approach is called permissive parenting. While it comes from a place of deep care, it can sometimes cause more challenges than comfort in the long run.

Currently working at the Shankar Dev Campus, psychologist Raju Raut explains permissive parenting. He holds a postgraduate in Counselling Psychology and a Master’s in Psychology.

What does permissive parenting mean?

Permissive parenting is a style in which parents are loving, nurturing, and accepting but struggle or choose not to enforce rules and boundaries consistently. These parents often avoid confrontation, give in to their child’s wishes, and prioritise their child’s happiness over structure or discipline.

For example, if a child refuses to eat vegetables or do homework, a permissive parent might not insist, wanting to avoid conflict or believing the child will learn in their own time. While their heart is often in the right place, they don’t want to be harsh or controlling, but the lack of clear boundaries can lead to problems later on.

How is it different from strict or balanced parenting?

Permissive parenting is one extreme of the parenting spectrum. On the other end is strict parenting, which focuses heavily on obedience, rules, and discipline, often at the expense of emotional connection. These parents may enforce rules rigidly and expect unquestioning compliance, sometimes using punishments or shame as motivators.

Balanced parenting, often called authoritative parenting, strikes a middle ground. These parents set clear expectations and rules, but explain the reasons behind them. They are consistent, but also responsive and emotionally attuned. They value their child’s feelings but still maintain authority and structure.

How does permissive parenting affect a child’s self-discipline, emotional regulation, or academic motivation?

While permissive parenting may create a warm and loving environment, the lack of structure can significantly affect children.

Without consistent rules or expectations, children may struggle to develop internal discipline. They aren’t used to limits, so they may have difficulty managing impulses, delaying gratification, or following through with tasks when motivation is low.

Likewise, when children aren’t guided through difficult emotions with supportive structure, they may not learn how to handle frustration, disappointment, or conflict. Emotions can feel overwhelming because they haven’t practised dealing with boundaries or hearing ‘no’ safely and consistently.

Moreover, children may not learn the value of hard work, persistence, or routine without accountability or expectations. School requires effort and discipline and without those skills, children may struggle to stay motivated or organised academically.

Can childhood experience or trauma lead a parent to become more permissive?

Parenting styles are influenced by personal history. If someone grew up in a household where they were constantly criticised, controlled, or emotionally neglected, they might swing in the opposite direction with their own kids.

Parents who have experienced trauma, especially trauma tied to authority figures, may associate discipline with harm. As a result, they might avoid enforcing rules to protect their child from pain or to protect themselves from the fear of repeating the past.

How can permissive parents start setting better boundaries without hurting their child?

Setting better boundaries as a permissive parent doesn’t mean one has to become strict or unkind. It simply means showing up with more clarity, consistency, and compassion. A gentle place to begin is by focusing on just one or two areas of daily life, such as bedtime or screen time. Rather than trying to change everything at once, it helps to start small and stay consistent.

When it’s time to enforce a rule, use calm but confident language. For example, instead of giving in or raising voices, parents might say, “I know you are having fun, but it’s bedtime now. We can play more tomorrow.” This approach maintains warmth while still setting a clear limit..

It also helps to explain the reasons behind the decisions. Kids are more likely to cooperate when they understand the purpose of a rule whether it’s about rest, safety, or well-being. And when a child reacts with frustration or sadness, it’s okay. Emotions are part of learning. Parents can validate their feelings without changing the limit.

Saying something like, “I see that you are upset. That makes sense. But the rule still stands,” helps parents and children feel heard while reinforcing the boundary.

Is it possible to be both kind and firm as a parent?

Yes in fact, that’s the healthiest kind of parenting. Children need both love and limits. Being kind means validating feelings, showing affection, and offering emotional safety. Being firm means setting expectations, following through, and teaching responsibility.