In our daily lives, we often engage in conversations with our inner voice, also referred to as the inner monologue. This internal chatter informs us about what’s happening, offers opinions on possible actions, and helps us generate new ideas. Typically, we don’t give much thought to it. However, there are times when this inner dialogue turns particularly critical.

This critical voice has the power to limit and restrain us, making us believe that our actions are inherently “bad”. It can be overwhelmingly powerful, leading us to feel self-doubt and negativity. Despite our efforts to rationalise and dismiss this inner critic, it stubbornly persists.

Have you ever considered the origins of this critical inner voice?

Exploring our past holds the key to understanding this inner voice.

Our childhood experiences offer insights into the origin of this inner dialogue, which, upon closer examination, can be seen as our psychological parent. According to Eric Berne’s transaction analysis theory, this internalised psychological parent emerges from the experiences we had in our formative years. These encompass not only verbal messages but also non-verbal cues and unconscious elements—gestures, beliefs and attitudes absorbed during childhood.

This psychological parent doesn’t fade away with time. It remains a constant presence throughout our lives. As we age, form relationships, and progress through various life stages, the inner voice—the psychological parent—persists.

Consider someone raised in a household where punctuality was highly valued, especially by their father. The strict adherence to schedules and the perception of time as a precious resource were ingrained during their upbringing. Now, as an independent adult, any departure from punctuality evokes strong feelings of guilt and self-blame. Even minor delays in meetings weigh heavily on their conscience. To counteract this, they may overcompensate by completing tasks well in advance or arriving excessively early for appointments, attempting to alleviate a lingering sense of inadequacy.

Upon reflection, it’s evident that the influential force in this scenario is the psychological parent figure. Even in the absence of external criticism, the individual struggles to relax. They seem to revert to their childhood self, compelled to overcompensate for perceived mistakes. The fear of potential reprimand or disapproval drives them to approach tasks with excessive caution, creating a cycle where every mistake triggers a return to a childlike state.

This is a common occurrence when we reflect on our past actions. Have we noticed instances where we act illogically? For instance, finding it challenging to trust and believe in ourselves despite knowing our potential. Or struggling to accept praise and recognition for our achievements. Perhaps we impose unnecessary restrictions on ourselves when there’s no need to.

If the answer is yes, wondering whether this inner voice is truly ours or if it’s an internalised voice from the past can be helpful. It’s important to recognise that this voice may originate from anyone significant in our lives—parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, peers or teachers.

By honing the ability to reflect and distinguish, genuine healing begins. We establish boundaries with the psychological influences from our past and cultivate a clearer understanding of ourselves.

The child within us, whom we occasionally reconnect with, deserves plenty of love, affection and reassurance. Once we effectively handle the influences of the psychological parent, we can then foster a positive relationship with our younger self.

Although it’s commonplace and normal to delve into our childhood experiences during therapy, I cannot emphasise enough how crucial and impactful this process can be. Developing a strong connection with our younger self in this inner experience can be profoundly empowering, leading us towards a more liberated and free sense of self. Ultimately, embracing and acknowledging both our present and past selves is essential for breaking free from the inner monologue that often consumes us.