Why do we romanticise the dead? Why can’t we be honest about them? Especially moms. They’re the most romanticised of anyone.”

One rarely comes across a book titled ‘I’m Glad My Mom Died’. My first thought after stumbling onto this literary piece was what possibly could have been the author’s grudge towards her mother for naming the book with such an abrasive title. And quite fittingly, the title has made its mark by drawing attention from readers worldwide, making the book a New York Times bestseller.

American writer, filmmaker, former actress, and singer Jennette McCurdy has created a stir in the literary scene with her debut book, ‘I’m glad my mom died’. The book’s main theme revolves around the complicated relationship between the author and her mother.

The book also explores other themes such as abuse, child stardom and exploitation, eating disorders, grief and healing, and finally, resilience and survival.

The memoir opens with the celebration of McCurdy’s sixth birthday when her mom presents her with a two-piece outfit surrounded by daisies. McCurdy throws on her best fake smile and exclaims it to be her favourite birthday gift ever. This particular event prods the readers to be cautious about the series of events that will unfold, hinting at the complex and often painful dynamics of her relationship with her mother that are to be revealed throughout the narrative.

The general perception regarding abuse tends to focus primarily on physical violence overlooking other forms, such as emotional and psychological abuse. McCurdy, in her memoir, chronicles the continuum of emotional and psychological abuse she had to face throughout her childhood at the hands of her mother.

Just like any other helicopter parent, McCurdy’s mother projects her unmet aspiration of becoming an actor to her daughter. She then continues to micromanage every aspect of McCurdy’s life, often pressuring her to achieve the dream that she once harboured.

The authoritarian demeanour of the mother leaves McCurdy to develop OCD from a young age which she refers to as the “Holy Ghost”. Due to her age, she isn’t fully aware of how harmful the condition she was diagnosed with can be. Instead, she is thrilled to have conversations with the “Holy Ghost” where she says, “I can talk to the holy ghost whenever I want to, and he can talk to me, guiding me to do what is right, which is whatever he tells me to do. I am so lucky”.

As the memoir continues, the readers find that the mother uses McCurdy’s fame to pay their bills, often flaunting her daughter’s success to maintain her unattained lifestyle.

McCurdy’s struggle to make her mother understand her aspiration to become a writer instead of an actor is similar to the struggle of the character Farhan in the Bollywood hit ‘3 Idiots’, where, at last, the orthodox father finally lets his son pursue his interest of becoming a photographer.

However, in McCurdy’s case, her mother is dismissive of her daughter’s ambition and instead tries to manipulate her daughter by saying, “Writer’s dress is frumpy and fat. I would never want your little actress’s peach butt to turn into a big, giant writer’s watermelon butt.”

The emotional quandary of McCurdy’s is further complicated when her mother gets diagnosed with breast cancer. The mother’s manipulative behaviour leads her to make her children watch the video of her cancer diagnosis time and again until her children take it to blame themselves for the cause of their mother’s cancer.

Ultimately, McCurdy considers it her job to save her mother from mortal sickness as cancer. She tries every rule in the book to get validation from her mother to the extent that she hides her preferred colour, purple, just because her mother prefers pink.

The situation worsens when even after having reached the age of 16, the mother thinks it is a good idea to let her son and daughter shower in the same bathroom.

Similarly, she puts McCurdy on a strict diet plan of calorie restriction. She is even made to read every diet-related book even before she gets her menstruation.

The memoir is divided into two parts, i.e. before and after. ‘Before’ chronicles McCurdy’s experience with her abusive mother, whereas ‘After’ poignantly describes the harrowing effect of bulimia as a result of her mother’s years of abuse.

The book also focuses on the ethical and developmental concerns of exposing a child to the limelight from a young age through McCurdy’s personal experience in the Hollywood industry. It also highlights the damage the entertainment industry can do to a child’s mental and emotional well-being.

The book shines in its execution, particularly in addressing the question, “What does grief look like when you don’t share a great relationship with your loved one?”

This question ties seamlessly into the title, as McCurdy struggles to recognise and cope with her emotions following her mother’s death. The universal practice of idolising one’s mother makes it difficult for her to acknowledge the abuse she endured during childhood—adding layers to her grief and healing process.

Despite being a candid account of McCurdy’s experience with abuse, the nature of the memoir can resonate with Nepali readers. It mirrors the stark reality of Nepali households, where children often bear the burden of their parents’ unfulfilled dreams of securing a stable job. This restricts them from following their desire when it comes to careers.

The memoir plays its part in demonstrating that fame is not everything; it is frequently nothing at all. It urges its readers to see the thin line that demarcates the life of an ordinary person and a celebrity. However, underneath the line lies a shared humanity that transcends fame and fortune, reminding us that our intrinsic value is not defined by external measures of success.

The memoir should come with a trigger warning because its graphic narration of emotional abuse might make readers uncomfortable. This disrupted the linear flow of my reading experience, making it difficult to progress through the book. However, the author’s touch of sarcasm creates an engaging authorial voice.

Destined to become an actor yet a natural when it comes to writing, McCurdy has set the train in motion through her candid yet moving writing. She accurately describes the mental state of her formative years, which skillfully captures the emotions she wishes to convey.

The memoir ends on a hopeful note as McCurdy affirms, “Mom didn’t get better. But I will.”

I’m Glad My Mom Died

Author: Jennette McCurdy

Year: 2022

Publisher: Simon and Schuster