The first time it happened, Reshma thought she was going to die. And now, it was about to happen again.

It had already been a month. They had told her it would happen every month, but a month seemed like a long time. Enough time had passed that she thought she had forgotten about the pain. At least somewhat. But pain like that is hard to forget. 

The first time was sudden. All of a sudden, there was a knot in her stomach. Her lower stomach. It felt like there were hands inside, and those hands were grabbing at her guts. Pulling, prodding, and rearranging them. In fact, even tearing them apart. Her entire stomach slowly began to feel tight, and it kept tightening as the day went by. 

What was more embarrassing was being pulled out of class and yelled at by the teacher because blood was running down her thighs into her socks. Reshma had felt something soft and sticky but thought it was her sweat. It had been a hot day. But no, it was crimson blood, darker than any she had ever seen in movies and shows. She had cried and cried, and that made the teacher even angrier. He raised his hand to slap her until another teacher came and stopped him. She was nicer about it and led Reshma away to the infirmary.

There, the teacher told Reshma what was happening, why it was happening, and then the worst news of all—that it would happen every month. 

That news broke something in Reshma. That night she went home and told her mother what had happened, who simply told her to throw the skirt and socks she’d worn to school in the wash basket and that she’d wash it tomorrow.

That night, Reshma tried her hardest not to think of the pain, but it persisted. It persisted for the next few days, when every day felt like another act of violence being inflicted on her body. But by her own body. She couldn’t understand why her own body would do something like this to itself. She couldn’t understand why her body was even designed to be this way. Her mother had bought her something to wear during this period. This something, called a pad, made her underwear bulky and very uncomfortable. She felt very self-conscious about it, but at least it kept her blood from getting everywhere.

Thankfully, the pain left after a grueling week had passed. Life slowly but surely went back to normal. Suddenly she could laugh again, run again, play again, and most importantly, feel like herself again. Reshma felt happiness and joy for the first time in what felt like forever. But now, a month later, those feelings were replaced by dread.

She knew what was coming, and was deathly afraid.

It started when she started to feel sluggish for no reason. One morning, she woke but didn’t feel like getting up. Her entire body felt as if someone had placed a thick blanket over it, and no matter what she did, the feeling just wouldn’t go away. There was a heaviness throughout her body, as if trapped in snow. This heaviness not only made it hard for her to get out of bed but also to think, feel, walk, or even function. It took her mother yelling at her for her to finally try to make it out of bed.

Next came the pain in her lower back. Reshma felt like someone had placed scalding hot rocks all over her lower back and then pressed a tractor on top of it. It felt both sore and weighted. 

Lastly, she felt like knots in her lower stomach again. That’s when she knew. That’s when she knew it was going to happen again. Immediately she felt faint.

On the outside, she went to sleep, attended her classes, ate, played (sluggishly) and made her way back home but inside she could not stop thinking about what was happening inside her body. She imagined the red bits that made the inside of her body being torn apart by some invisible hand grabbing at each other. These hands were clawing and tearing at each other, trying to draw blood. Or, worse, perhaps the red bits, her flesh, were gnawing at each other. Perhaps they had grown sharp teeth and claws during this one time of the month and were ripping each other apart. For what reason? She had no idea.

All she knew was that she would bleed. Bleed hard. And there was nothing she could do about it.

And no one could help her.

She was the first among her friends to be going through what she was going through. When it had happened, they had looked at her with terrified eyes and later, when she told them that what happened to her would happen to them too, they called her a liar and had ignored her for three whole days. After they started talking to her again, Reshma learned to shut up and not make any noise.

She had gone to talk to the teacher to ask her about how to make it stop. The teacher had simply laughed and said that this was life. This is what it means to be a woman. It is the beauty of being a woman. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Reshma had told her she wasn’t ashamed. She just wanted the pain to stop. The teacher looked at her with a pitiful gaze. There’s no way to stop the pain. Just try your best.

Lastly, she had gone to her mother who had just handed her painkillers and said to take one after every meal once the pain starts. When asked if this would make the pain go away, her mother had replied that it would lessen the pain. Nothing has been invented yet to make the pain go away completely, her mother had said. Nothing ever will, she’d said. A sad look in her eyes.

And now it’s night. With nothing and no one to help her, Reshma lies in bed, her eyes wide open, thinking about the pain that is sure to come tomorrow. Her palms are gripping the blanket tightly because the pain she’s been feeling for some days has only gotten stronger. She’s already worn a pad and already taken a painkiller. She always was a careful girl. But something tells her it won’t be enough.

A terrifying heat spread throughout her body as she felt a churning inside her stomach. Something is pulsating. It is hot and solid, like a piece of red coal vibrating. Why is it vibrating? The red coal is being tossed around her guts from one end to the next, burning everything in its path. Acid, boiling acid, is spreading through her veins. It’s eating away at everything in her body. The pain is spreading from her guts into her legs and soon her whole body. She finds it hard to think. Knives. Yes, knives are being dug into her stomach, right below her belly button. Reshma wants to scream, but to whom? Nothing and no one will save her.