It’s normal to feel disappointed, upset or even frustrated when things do not go according to our plan. We might have had many expectations, aspirations and desires, but we feel broken and sad when they do not work out. That’s when it becomes harder to hold onto the thoughts and perspectives we once had. We can find it very hard to move past it.

This happens a lot to us throughout our lives and is something that I have recently experienced. It is often difficult to handle setbacks in life. The path that we had envisioned for a long time is blurred, and things don’t really work out as we had planned. This feeling of dejection is something all of us can relate to.

Especially with the omnipresence of social media, propagating personal achievements and accomplishments has been the norm. So, when we face failure, we feel that we are not “good enough”, and we resent those who seem to have it together on social media. This often causes us to believe that these individuals have had it easier. The situation feels unfair: the circumstances seem to work out for them but not for us.

The reality is that so many of the narratives we are exposed to from an early age emphasise success. Even though, logically, failure is and will always be part of our lives, we are never taught how to handle it. It seems that we are only trained to chase success, but the other half of the reality–failure is wholly ignored.

This fact is illustrated perfectly by the innate judgement we might have towards people who are deemed “failures”. If a person is jobless or doesn’t have a house, or isn’t educated, they are looked down upon. They are pitied. They are shunned and ignored.

So, how to work around this? To shift the narrative, we do not need to look far. So many examples exist of people working through setbacks and overcoming them with great comebacks.

Take the example of the author of Harry Potter books, JK Rowling. When aged 29, she was recently divorced, a single parent to a newborn daughter and jobless. She was relying on friends and family for money and had started to feel very depressed. However, she devoted her time to writing the book, where she channelled her feelings about “love, loss, separation, death”–which would turn her life around completely. Her story is a perfect example of rags-to-riches.

Reflecting on Rowling’s life story has provided a deep insight. No matter the circumstances we find ourselves in, when we work on our passion, there’s nothing that can stop us. Even though she was struggling financially and mentally, having an ambition was a great rescue.

One of the primary factors in overcoming setbacks is simply having passion and ambition. When we have goals to work on, be it short-term or long-term, it becomes clear what we are working towards. Short-term goals might not always work out, but having a vision for the long term makes it clear what else we can work towards.

I am often reminded of the saying that life does not run in a straight line, and it is more like a rollercoaster. In fact, psychotherapist Daniel G Amen has emphasised that improvement in our lives hardly comes in a straight line. It’s all a zigzag pattern of ups and downs. Ups enhance our motivation to keep going, whereas downs allow us to learn and become better than before.

As we realign our perspectives towards failure and setbacks, the next vital step is to eliminate the blame—on ourselves, the circumstances or others. Blaming creates a barrier between our goals and ourselves, and it becomes very hard to penetrate through. We need to accept responsibility for the failure that has happened to us. It doesn’t mean that we are admitting to our wrongdoing, but acknowledging that this has happened to me.

Then, we take control, no matter how difficult or impossible it might seem. We need to utilise our thinking muscles. We have to question ourselves and reflect. We can analyse what we have done and what could be done. Why has this happened? How can I overcome it? What are the things in my control and things that aren’t? What new opportunities can I lean towards?

Focusing on short-term tangible goals can be a great option until the path to our future becomes clearer. The feelings of disappointment and frustration might not dissipate quickly, but the shift in perspective and the realignment of goals and vision can make it easier to handle these feelings.

Lastly, reminding ourselves that our shortcomings do not define us can be liberating. It’s just a simple act of changing our perspective towards setbacks that allows us to open ourselves to new possibilities and growth. We must embrace our emotions, be kind to ourselves, and focus on our efforts.

There’s great learning and insight from any challenge that we overcome. We have the ultimate power to face any obstacle, and overcoming any challenges is just a stepping stone for success in the long haul.