When I worked as a school counsellor, if a student was called into the counselling room for misbehaviour or disciplinary offence, I would ask, “Why did you do that? What happened?”

Most of them hardly opened up, and I would simply lecture them about what “good” and “bad” behaviour entails. Over time, I realised that this approach hardly enacts any change. The student’s behaviour, more or less, remains the same.

Through supervision and guidance, I learned that addressing the symptoms of a problem is hardly the answer. For example, if we go to the doctor for a stomach ache, the doctor should run different tests and procedures to determine the “real” cause.

Might it be stomach flu? A virus?

From a similar perspective, as counsellors, we should address the real “cause.” Looking at behaviour hardly provides answers. Instead, we have to decode the social and emotional components of the clients we work with.

And that is where we can find the answers—the real cause behind someone’s actions. When we inquire about students’ parents, and their siblings, we often gain a lot of clarity.

Many of the students who the teachers term as “bad,” “naughty,” or “disruptive” were surprisingly vulnerable in the sessions. Though their actions were perceived as problematic, they were actually a cry for attention and connection.

When I probed into their lives, most students often felt lonely and neglected at home.

This loneliness is even more elevated when the student struggles with connecting with their peers at school. Feeling excluded is the worst feeling that they can experience. They start to resort even more towards misbehaviour, further reinforcing the behaviour.

As I figured this out, I would make it a point to meet these students regularly. Through these meetings, I was able to provide them with a healing and corrective experience that they deserved: to feel seen and heard.

The most effective and straightforward tool I used here was listening. Simply opening up, asking questions, and being curious helped me understand the true reason behind their indiscretion.

When someone is upset, it is so natural for us to want to “fix it”. But usually, people, especially children, aren’t asking us to come up with a solution. They want us to be there for them and validate their feelings. They want us to listen. They want to feel that they matter. What they are saying and feeling is actually valid.

And it goes both ways. Whenever someone asks me whether I prefer working with adults or children, I would, without a second thought, answer children. Children not only demand attention, but they also give attention.

As I provided this open space to the students, I felt validated. My work seemed to matter and make some difference.

Surprisingly, listening is not an easy task. It is more than just hearing what others have to say. Listening is a skill; it is an active process. It takes practice and focus. It is the passion to fully engage with someone, hear what they are saying, and understand the full meaning behind the words.

Listening is selfless. We are there to only listen and receive. Quietly listening allows someone to express themselves and begin their own healing process. So, the question remains: how can we become better listeners?

The first step is to talk less and listen more. Often, we may find ourselves listening just to respond quickly to what the other person is saying. But paying attention to what they are saying and understanding it makes a lot of difference.

Focusing on their words rather than our responses can be a great way to communicate.

Another important component is to be fully present and patient. We must invest our time and energy in fully attending to the other person. Our body language says a lot. Leaning forward, looking engaged, and making eye contact show that we are being attended to.

Silence is also crucial to listening. While it can be uncomfortable for the listener, the troubled person is more likely to open up when we don’t interrupt.

Lastly, it all comes down to practice. The more we practice the habit of listening, the more it becomes instinctual. After all, it is a skill.

Consequently, after more practice we will start to notice the difference in our lives and the people around us. People love to talk about themselves, what is happening in their lives, and the people around them. We just have to listen and let them.