It’s quite common to hear people close to us expressing dissatisfaction with others in their lives. This can range from complaints about a difficult boss at work, to a friend who always seems needy, or a brother with a constant domineering attitude. The shared sentiment is often a desire for these individuals to change, believing that it would improve their own lives.

This leads to a fundamental question: is it always beneficial to attribute the outcomes of our lives to others? It’s widely acknowledged that influencing the actions of other people is a challenging task. So, what about our own ability to shape and control our lives?

I recall a case study from my college years that focused on a client—a married woman. The issue revolved around her strong reaction whenever her husband used his phone for social media. She would accuse him of comparing her to his previous partners and question his honesty. It appeared as if a switch had been flipped in her mind, leading her to express her frustration loudly.

At first glance, her reaction may seem irrational, and her anger might appear unjustified. However, delving deeper into her past shed light on the roots of her current emotional state.

The client’s father was highly critical, frequently comparing her unfavourably to her elder sister and making her feel inferior. Consequently, her deep-seated insecurities and self-hatred—stemming from not measuring up to her sister—manifested as anger directed at her husband. Interestingly, she had been the one comparing herself to his past partners, not him. This scenario illustrates a classic case of projection.

Projection, in simple terms, is a common defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own negative traits or emotions to others. It serves as a way to avoid confronting intense and painful thoughts and emotions. This phenomenon shifts the focus onto others’ actions rather than our own.

I used to experience strong feelings of anger and irritation towards people I perceived as introverted. This emotion puzzled me until I looked deeper and realised it was a form of projection.

In truth, the anger was aimed at myself. I’ve struggled to accept who I am, especially because I was taught from an early age that being quiet and reserved was deemed “wrong”. Feeling different, I believed I needed to change and became overly critical of myself.

The experience I described earlier was happening without my awareness, operating in the background. However, delving into these emotions brought about a deeper understanding. I saw it as an opportunity for self-improvement, working towards building a stronger sense of self. Over time, I’ve come to accept myself, recognising that introversion is a valuable skill, particularly in my current line of work.

Choosing kindness over judgment when we catch ourselves projecting can make a significant difference. Projection, despite its negative connotations, serves as a form of self-defence. We often resort to it because confronting challenging emotions is a tough task. Dealing with pain, shame and guilt requires courage. It’s part of human nature to opt for the easier, more comfortable path—looking outward instead of inward.

What can really help in such situations is being mindful of our emotions. Projection involves looking outward, so turning our attention inward can be impactful. Understanding our emotions makes self-management easier. As adults, we possess the gift of intellect, enabling us to analyse and reflect on our emotions. Reflecting on the past and recognising patterns makes it easier to process difficult emotions. Knowing the context alone can cause a significant shift, allowing us to fully experience our emotions.

Emotional awareness also leads to a shift from blaming others to holding ourselves accountable. This grants us the ultimate power and control over our lives—we, and only we, have the ability to influence the situation. This perspective can be very empowering.