Love: this four-letter word seems to be the most intriguing puzzle piece in human history. Artists have tried to paint it; writers have tried to write about it; philosophers have tried to theorise it; and filmmakers have tried to visualise it. Despite all that, it remains a mystery. One thing is clear though—love is all about feeling, it can only be experienced. But the sociologist in me seeks to answer how this entirely personal ‘experience’ is mediated by the different structural forces that we call society. In this article, my reflections are primarily based on heterosexual romantic love but some instances may hold true in homosexual relationships too. 

 

A time for love

There comes a time in many people’s lives when a preoccupation with love becomes a central force. I say many people because ‘love’ is a frivolous emotion if one is struggling for a plate of dal bhat. The usual time of ‘falling in love’ coincides with the time when youths have fewer familial and social responsibilities. No wonder then that the settings of most love stories are college classrooms and canteens. The basis of the possibility of love is none other than the fact that these young people in college are fully or partly supported by their parents and guardians. This is when youths have the luxury to think love, talk love, dream love, watch love and sing love. 

If you meet and ask one of these young people ‘What is love?’, you will find their answers full of passion, more philosophical than Osho. If you happen to meet these very same people after 10-15 years and ask them the same question, chances are that they will either dismiss you with a grin or stare hard at you. I wonder why this happens. Some of you who have been in that situation know the answer already anyway. The rest who do not know, I think you deserve the opportunity to arrive at your own answers. 

 

Love as performance

So love is a feeling. But in contradiction, scientists would say, love is hormones. At times, you wonder if that’s all there is to it. The strangest thing about this feeling (guided by hormones) is that it refuses to remain just a feeling. When you love someone, two things happen simultaneously. You 

feel a strong need to express yourself and you feel the need to be loved back. That’s exactly where Valentine’s Day comes in to aid another aspect of love: love as a performance. 

I will refrain from making arguments about the interrelationship between romantic love and capitalism and how Valentine’s Day has been captured by market forces. But I can’t stop hoping that there are still lovers out there for whom the price of roses and chocolates does not really matter. For me, chocolates make sense, you can at least eat them. What does one do with roses? Forgive my sarcasm but I am hopeful that there are still couples around who do not care whether they are conversing in a local tea shop or a trendy restaurant with a view as long as they are with each other. Maybe there are still couples out there who can at times talk non-stop and at other times remain comfortably silent. Despite wishful thinking, it is becoming obvious that these kinds of lovers are becoming rare in this age of consumerism and capitalism. Love seems to be gradually turning into a commodity itself. 

This becomes obvious when you see the trend of ‘instant love’ everywhere, where couples fall out of love as quickly as they fell in love. This happens just because a more ‘suitable’ person to love has come around. Love these days has become more deliberate. The phrase ‘I love you’ has become such a frequent occurrence that one wonders whether there is anything to it. The love in its depth of feeling does not always require saying anything. It becomes so evident and visible that it does not require proof. Of course, it is human to feel the need for expression but such expressions, when used with selfish intentions to gain something beyond love itself, are dangerous. Stories of a young woman becoming pregnant after being won over by promises of love and marriage have become commonplace. Similarly, men losing property and ambition to leech-like girlfriends are not very unusual. When seen from that angle, love surely appears dangerous. But love itself is beautiful; it is just that the people who ‘use and abuse’ love are dangerous. 

 

Take a chance

Blessed are those who have found what they call ‘true love’. Theories of true love vary. Recently, on the grounds of the Sociology Department, Krishna B Bhattachan shared his wisdom: love that transcends the physical and becomes emotional and moves towards the spiritual is ‘true love’. I agree with him. Maybe you have found it. Or maybe you have just ignored it. Or maybe you are unaware of it despite it being right next to you. 

Whatever the case, perhaps it is time to explore and treasure it. If you are sure, go ahead and express it on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Do it with roses, chocolates, necklaces, pens, notebooks, books and whatever the market offers. But offer your heart along with these commodities. Things, however expensive they may be, are not valuable unless there is feeling attached to them. 

 

Khanal is a lecturer at the Central Department of Sociology, Tribhuvan University