Let me share the story of someone I met a few years ago, a highly talented individual who excelled in their field. Yet, on the eve of their dream job interview, they confided in me about their self-doubt. They dismissed the opportunity, convinced that others were better suited for the role, and saw only fear and anxiety reflected in the mirror. A voice inside their head whispered, “You will surely fail. You aren’t good enough.” This internal critic, fueled by doubt, ultimately held them back.

Does this sound familiar? Our inner dialogue often undermines our achievements with thoughts like, “I just got lucky, I'm not actually that good”, “Others are better” or “This is too good to be true for me”. This is self-sabotage in action—jumping to negative conclusions and ignoring our own potential.

Self-sabotage is a deliberate or unconscious action, behaviour or thought pattern that hinders our progress, success and well-being. It can manifest in various ways, from procrastination and perfectionism to negative self-talk and fear of failure. Subconsciously, these behaviours often reinforce our limiting beliefs, becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, believing we’ll fail an exam might lead us to rationalise skipping studying or immersing ourselves in distractions like social media, guaranteeing failure in the end.

Self-sabotage is a complex psychological process rooted in deep-seated fears and anxieties. We might unknowingly hold ourselves back because we fear that trying our best and failing feels worse than not trying at all. We convince ourselves that it’s better not to try to avoid the disappointment and sadness of failure.

For example, imagine we’re in a race and really want to win. But if we start worrying that we might not succeed and end up last, that little voice of self-doubt might whisper, “Why bother? You’ll only end up losing.” So, we might not train as hard or even skip the race altogether, convinced that failure is inevitable. This is a defence mechanism—a way to protect ourselves from potential embarrassment and feeling inadequate. However, this shield stops us from even giving it a go.

Self-sabotage can also come from tough experiences in childhood. A child repeatedly told, “You'll never achieve anything,” might carry that belief into adulthood, subconsciously sabotaging their success to fulfil that negative prophecy because nobody believed in them back then. So, they start to believe they don’t deserve success.

And, how we talk to ourselves is crucial. The words we feed our minds shape our thoughts and outlook. Our self-talk can either lift us up or drag us down. Despite receiving love, support, and advice from others on how to succeed, it’s often our inner voice that holds more sway. We trust that voice inside our heads more than anyone else.

I’d describe self-sabotage as a sneaky habit. We might deny doing it, thinking it's just part of who we are. But what if we explored these self-limiting patterns? Could we break free and reach our full potential?

Absolutely. Self-sabotage is a habit we can overcome. Often, we’re not even aware of these patterns. To break free, awareness is key. By recognising our limiting beliefs, we can challenge them to find the truth. We need to allow ourselves to question our negative thoughts and look at them from a positive angle. Often, just knowing these patterns exist within us can solve a big part of our problems.

How we speak to ourselves matters greatly. Just as we offer kindness and encouragement to loved ones when they're feeling low, we should extend the same compassion to ourselves. Our minds believe what we tell them, shaping our reality. Therefore, maintaining a positive inner dialogue is crucial. One effective way to do this is through affirmations. Spending just 5 minutes each morning in front of a mirror, repeating self-affirming statements like “I am capable” and “I am loved”, can make a real difference when we truly feel the words as we say them.

Breaking self-defeating patterns can be tough, often rooted in past traumas. To address these, we must peel back the layers, learning to sit with our difficult feelings and showing ourselves gentleness as they arise. Mindfulness can help here, fostering self-compassion and grounding us in the present moment, where we can identify and tackle self-criticism as it arises.

Conquering self-sabotage is achievable. By taking proactive steps, we can pave the way to better mental well-being.

Remember the story from the beginning? Let’s take a moment to revisit it. Now, let’s ask ourselves a question: Do we want to remain the same person in our story, or do we want to rewrite it and create a different narrative? Let’s not forget, we always have a choice!